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June 30, 2005
Feeling Sorry for Myself
I am grabbing a moment while Lily is napping to actually browse the internet instead of just distractedly answering emails. She's had a grumbly tummy the past day or so, and has demanded some extra cuddling. I don't really mind; I love her more than anything, and even more than that when she's *not* crying, but good lord, when do I ever ever ever get to do any flygrrl things again? I just don't see how it's humanly possible without a nanny. It depresses me a little, then I feel guilty for resenting my baby less than three weeks from when I brought the poor creature into this world. I know this is all completely normal hormonal emotional postpartum stuff, but jeez. They tell you it's hard, but I had no idea.
We've started going for daily walks; I figure the sunlight will do me some good and help lift my mood a little. But forget current events. Forget the artwork I have to do for people who are actually paying me. I try to think of something to talk about besides the baby and I just draw a blank. It's scary. I'm becoming that person I swore I'd never be. Again, yes, I'm probably being too hard on myself waay too soon, but if you know me, you know I move fast. Utterly impatient. I need to learn patience to be a parent. And I can be incredibly patient with the Bug, just not with myself. I did have my first tear-free day yesterday though. That was an accomplishment. Some days the tears are happy ones, some days they are utterly despondent ones, but I think I've cried more in the last two weeks than in the last two decades.
The only other thing really going on is preparing for our move. I'm looking forward to that too; getting out of this one-horse town will be a big improvement. It doesn't help me much that I have to get Lily gigged up and drive half an hour to actually see people or do things. Being able to walk to a cafe will make me feel much more sane.
Posted by mwashburn at June 30, 2005 01:09 PMPosted to self reflection
Comments
Once you guys have moved I think things will be easier. You'll be closer to friends and civilization. It gets better. Give yourself a little time to just be a mama and get used to life with baby. Once she gets into a schedule it will be a lot easier to do things for yourself, too. {{hugs}}
Posted by: Carol at June 30, 2005 03:50 PM
Carol's right ... things do get a lot better, especially when your little one gets into more of a schedule. Sleep deprivation is probably taking hold of you big time, too! That was the hardest part [for me] of adjusting to motherhood. I've definitely cried a lot more now that I'm a mom, too! I think it's normal! Best wishes to you!
Posted by: Lisanne at July 1, 2005 04:40 PM
I know it will get easier, and yes, the sleep deprivation really sucks. Someone on one of my email lists pointed out that there's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a method of torture... night time is going pretty well, but now the daytime crying-when-awake-for-more-than-half-an-hour is getting me down. The best cure seems to be getting out of the house and staying busy. She was used to it in the womb and seems to like it now too. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Posted by: flygrrl at July 3, 2005 07:41 AM