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September 07, 2005
On Turning 31
If you had told me ten years ago that at the ripe old age of 31 I'd be living in Northern Indiana, married, a stay-at-home mom, I'd have told you that you were nuts. But here I am. And I have no regrets. It is a little weird being officially "in my 30s" as opposed to just being 30, which is still the cusp of your 20s. I don't have a whole lot of time to think about Me right now in an immediate sense, but I do a lot of thinking about Me in a more existential way. I'm going through a process of finding myself again. It's something I've done many times throughout my life, and this is just one more stage. It's just strange to find yourself staring into the face of something and someone you thought you'd never be. And I'm finding that the reason I never wanted to be this person was because I didn't really know her.
To celebrate this latest temporal achievement, Adam bought me breakfast out at Panera this morning. It is now a weekly tradition, but today we lingered a little longer and I got some cool gifts from him and Lily. Choke by Chuck Palanhiuk, and Kraus' The Layout Index (it's a graphic design thing). Lily gave me swedish fish and sour patch fruits. Delish. I spent the rest of the day pulling down ugly wallpaper borders that the previous tenants put up (ugh. These people, in addition to being smokers and cat owners, had terrible decorating sense), searching for the finishing touches for Lily's room, and doing all the usual Mommy routine things. I also enjoyed a glass of wine with my dinner, because damnit, it's my birthday.
It's weird how being a mother suddenly makes all your other little insecurites seem like child's play. The last week has been a little rough; there's been some regression in the sleeping and nap-taking routine, and I've found myself exhausted and in tears more than once. I worry about so many things; all I want is for Lily to be a happy, healthy, good person. I'm confident enough not to listen to other people too much, but my inner critic has to question everything I do. Each moment with her passes so quickly that I worry about having missed some window of opportunity or having failed at some critical aspect of her development. When I take a step back I realize that babies are very resilient and that their biggest need is love and affection, and that she has in spades. Mornings are probably the best part of my day now, before the exhaustion sets in. And every single morning I'm there when Lily opens her eyes and gives me a big, beaming grin.
Posted by mwashburn at September 7, 2005 06:29 PMPosted to self reflection
Comments
Happy birthday!
Posted by: Carol at September 8, 2005 03:13 PM
Happy birthday!
Posted by: jamie r. at September 8, 2005 03:39 PM
Sounds like you had a very happy birthday! I'm glad! I *love* seeing Lucas's huge grins in the mornings when I come in and see him. Doesn't it just melt your heart??? Oh, and Luke's not a big napper, either.
Posted by: Lisanne at September 18, 2005 08:25 PM