Postpartum depression is a medical condition, but it doesn't get treated because it feels like a personal failing. I did everything I was supposed to do. I eat right, I exercise. I get out for walks. I have been joining groups, meeting people, socializing. But it didn't stop the walls from closing in on me; the ache of missing friends and family, the irrational anger and frustration, the bouts of crying, the feeling of being trapped, of being not me, of being a terrible mother. It's so hard to admit, when you have this beautiful baby and everyone is smiling at her, that things are not ok, that you can't get over it on your own. People told me that things would get easier when she was 3 months old. Three months came and went, and though some aspects were easier, my lows were lower. "Oh, at four months you'll feel like yourself again." Four months came and went, and now I just want to sleep all day and I just wait for Adam to get home, count the days to the weekend when I can have a break. I don't have the energy to keep pretending everything is ok any more.

I start seeing a therapist in two weeks. In the meantime, I've started taking Zoloft. I have always felt that antidepressants are probably overprescribed, and am still terrified of taking them. But if it helps me get up in the morning and be there for Lily now, not in two months or six months, or whatever, I'm willing to do it because she's worth it.

Why write about this in such a public forum? Well, first of all, I have never been the kind of person who can lie to her friends when they ask "how are you?" so most of you were probably gonna hear about this anyway, and I need your friendship more than ever. Second, as other brave women like Heather Armstrong and Brooke Shields have shown, motherhood is hard, underappreciated, and undersupported in our culture. Postpartum depression can happen to anyone, and it's not a personal failing, not a weakness, and nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, I'm still trying to convince myself of all this. I'll keep you posted.

i can empathize, even though my struggles with depression are not post-partum related. i too, worry that it's a personal failing. i am teetering on the brink of going back to the meds and that is a really hard thing to accept. I admire you for doing the right thing for you and your family.

If depression manifested itself via blinding migraine headaches instead of seratonin being reabsorbed too quickly, noone would think twice about being on anti-depression medicine. The brain's a fucked-up organ. No one considers taking Tylenol as a personal failure.

Melissa, I am *so* sorry for what you're going through. It takes a LOT of courage to write about something like that in such a public forum. If you EVER want to talk with me about it, don't hesitate. I think that motherhood is the most amazing job ever, but it's also VERY difficult sometimes. I still feel pretty sad sometimes that my pregnancy is over, and it hits me HARD some days. I still get very envious of first-time moms, and I *hate* feeling this way. I don't know that it's PPD, but it's awful.

Melissa,
So sorry you're going through such a hard time! I can't even imagine the pressures of being a new parent, both external and internal. Asking for help is so difficult, especially for someone as self-reliant as you are, but I think absolutely the right thing to do.
Much love!
Em