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June 27, 2006
Who Am I?
Well, after a year of this whole mommy thing, I feel that I have finally regained some semblance of sanity and selfhood, however fleeting. I don't know when you get to say that you are officially "un-depressed," but I have been off the Zoloft for a full month now, and seem to be feeling pretty good overall. I have my moments, but I was always the angry sort before kids anyway.
I know that I am different in many ways than I was a year or two ago on the inside, and at the same time I'm suddenly struggling with the ways I'm different on the outside. When I start to turn the focus to myself instead of Lily for a minute, I start to see all the ways I'm different than I was. My body is different, my skin is different, my hair is different, I'm a couple of years older. I feel like I just skipped over a whole progression of time and didn't have a chance to adjust. I'm not in my 20s anymore, and for some reason that is a marker to me that something should be stylistically different. I don't feel right in my clothes any more, but at the same time I don't really know what I like, clothing-wise. I don't feel right without makeup, but my old standby of black eyeliner and red lipstick just makes me feel like I'm in drag. It's so odd. I need to get to know this new skin, and figure out what complements it. I'm not saying that I am my wardrobe, I'm just saying that I need a wardrobe. I can't live in jeans and crappy t-shirts, but I don't need to wear dress-up clothes. Can anyone help me?
Posted by mwashburn at June 27, 2006 09:24 AMPosted to Depression | mommyhood