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April 13, 2008
Fits and Starts
There's a common misconception about the relationship between depression and the "artistic temperament." That is, that depression drives the creativity of the individuals prone to it. This is untrue. The creativity happens in the clear periods when the depression lifts and the artist has the energy and focus to create. I am living this reality very much right now.
I have chronicled my bout with postpartum depression here, feeling that my openness on the subject could only help other people who might be going through the same thing. I have not, however, really talked about more garden-variety depression. What I am finding out is that the tools I used to have to stave it off are no longer working for me in this brave new post-childbearing world. I haven't shared this with any but a few close friends and family members, but the last 4-6 months have been very difficult ones for me. When I went through postpartum depression, I felt somehow "ok" about it because there was a fixed, external circumstance I could blame for what I went through. This time has not been as cut and dry, but as before I didn't see what was happening to me until I was at the bottom of the well. It has affected my interaction with other people, my interaction with my family, my work, and definitely my creative output. Now that I'm getting help and feeling the dark cloud lifting, I'm suddenly feeling a huge bloom of creative energy and feeling very optimistic about 2008 as the year I am going to start really "being an artist." I still find myself trying to grasp "why," and having a hard time accepting that there isn't necessarily an answer to that and, once again, that it isn't some mark of failure on my part.
I attended an arts luncheon last week, and found out about several organizations and exhibit opportunities I plan to pursue in the coming months. I just finished a fairly ambitious painting and have two other small ones in progress with sketches for a third. It feels really good to have the color back in my life and to be finding joy and balance again. My goal lately has been to do one artistic thing each day, and I have been living up to that goal pretty well.
So thank you to all of you who have listened to me, offered support, or just been my friend. Here's another recent sketch to share.
Posted by mwashburn at April 13, 2008 11:53 AMPosted to Arts and Culture | Depression