August 23, 2008

Spreading the Word

I had the fantastic opportunity recently to be interviewed by Janyce, of Sojourn Quilts from Etsy, on her blog, What Shoes I Wear.

The interview revolves around both my artwork and the role of art-making in my own recovery from postpartum depression. The blog is dedicated to telling womens stories, often through their artwork, and Janyce is a fantastic writer, storyteller, and womens' advocate.

Enjoy.

Posted by mwashburn at 06:55 PM | Comments (2)

August 22, 2008

Major Rant on Gender Stereotypes

OK, I've really had it. I know my child is going to be subjected to some people's concepts of gender and ability, gender and color, gender and appropriate playthings (she even came home the other day declaring that boys play Nascars, girls don't; until I pointed out that her beloved "Cheerios" matchbox car is, in fact, a Nascar car.) There's not a whole lot I can do about some of that, other than counter it at home with less gender-biased notions.

But, I was just browsing Amazon for "kids cameras" as I'd love to get a child-proof one for the Bug for Christmas. Why, oh why, are they all color coded and gendered? There are pink cameras "for girls" and blue cameras or cameras festooned with Pixar Cars or Pirates of the Carribean "for boys." IT'S A FUCKING CAMERA. If there is ANY gender-neutral pastime on the planet, it ought to be taking pictures. It's bad enough that it's nearly impossible to buy your child a bicycle that doesn't loudly and colorfully announce their gender (and therefore appropriate color scheme and level of decorative adornment) but I'd love to buy one goddamn thing that comes in colors other than blue and pink. I thought we'd moved beyond this. I thought girls could be anything they wanted, not just ballerinas or fairy princesses. I thought that, being a responsible parent and encouraging imaginative, creative, and open-ended play was enough. Well, apparently that has to be gendered too.

I really, really, really hate it. Obviously we all know that boys and girls are different, but do we really have to accentuate it to such an absurd degree at such a young age?

/rant.

Posted by mwashburn at 01:45 PM | Comments (1)

May 22, 2008

Phoning it In Today

Thought I'd share this great article from Salon.com on the effect of media and early sexualization of girls. It's an interview with M. Gigi Durham, author of "The Lolita Effect" and talks about the disturbing trend towards younger and younger sexualization of girls. I have to read this book; the author is a self-declared "pro-sex" feminist and she talks about this tension, as a parent, between totally not being a prude but being profoundly uncomfortable with the sort of voyeuristic, one-dimensional sexuality being pushed on younger and younger girls, as well as the terrible mixed message of that ubiquitous image coupled with the emphasis on abstinence-only sex ed.

It's so hard to be the mommy of a little girl. And one of the really ironic, disturbing things is that in the third-party generated advertising links at the bottom of the article is a link for (can't wait to see the blog hits I get off this) "find drunk teens." Not cool people, not cool.

Posted by mwashburn at 10:17 AM | Comments (0)

May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day!

I just want to wish all the mommies out there a very Happy Mother's Day. I had a very nice one, despite the unseasonably cold weather, rain, and high winds today. I was served muffins and coffee in bed, and my present was a new office chair (no more falling on my ass while blogging...) which was apparently the Bug's idea. We headed out for brunch at 11am, and I had a mimosa and awesome stuffed french toast.

The rest of my day has been spent doing my usual Sunday stuff; gym, painting, etc., albeit with a bit of a warm fuzzy.

I am still really in awe at the whole motherhood thing. I think having children makes us stronger people. Kids are at the same time your greatest weakness and your greatest strength; they provide the impetus to be a better person, to care what happens after you're gone, and to continue to learn and grow as a person. Every day I'm reminded (and humbled) that I don't know everything. And no matter how bad it gets, I know that I have the unconditional love of this incredible little person. It's not always easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Posted by mwashburn at 06:07 PM | Comments (3)

January 03, 2008

Childhood Memories

When I was a kid, I started taking piano lessons at around age 5. I continued for the next 12 years. Piano gave me a huge appreciation for classical music, and taught me to read music (I also went on to play trumpet in Jazz band, marching band, and orchestra in high school).

I would really love for the Bug to have the same opportunity, so I've already started thinking about the fact that I want a house I can fit a piano in someday. We apparently have some Suzuki Method instructors around here, but I've often wondered if I could manage to give her lessons on my own, at least to start. I'd need to brush up a little bit on theory, but there are so many resources out there. I even found Piano lessons & piano chords online. With that kind of resource I'm sure I could get her started and brush up myself. I'm sure listening to a new music student is a little rough on the ears, but I know I'm owed some payback for what I put my parents through (the trumpet especially), though eventually I got pretty good. Playpiano.com looks like it would be a good addition to basic, dry music theory and practice. I remember doing scales endlessly, and I think sometimes it's frustrating for new students to go through all that when all they want to do is play a song. I'm a big believer in learning the fundamentals (and music reading) first, but why not learn some fun (and useful) stuff along the way?

Who knows, maybe despite my best efforts to have a daughter who plays piano and takes tae kwon do lessons I'll end up with a flute-playing ballerina cheerleader, but as long as she's doing something I'll be happy.

Posted by mwashburn at 06:00 AM | Comments (4)

November 29, 2007

Where Art Thou, Oh Immune System?

I'm taking an unwanted mini vacation this week, as the Bug has started running a low fever, coughing, and breaking out in hives. I'm still feeling less than 100% and finally opted to start taking the amoxicillin I was prescribed when I went to the doctor for my pink eye (yes, I got it too). They were unclear at the time as to whether my cold had morphed into a sinus infection, but seeing as we're going on 10 weeks and my tonsils are still the size of softballs I figured it was a last-ditch effort to beat this thing. The Bug could technically go to school, but she's very very grumpy and I kind of want to watch this thing and see how bad it gets. I also ended up going to the office last night to do some work after Adam got home and was there until almost 11, so I wanted to sleep in today and will probably end up doing the same tonight. Fun!

The good news is, I get to knit, work on my Christmas cards, and watch Sesame Street!

Posted by mwashburn at 08:00 AM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2007

The Holidays Begin

We had a nice Thanksgiving this year. We had sent out a general invite to all the Usual Suspects, and for whatever reason this year no one could make it. We were adjusting to the idea of having a quiet (and, frankly, somewhat lonely) Turkey Day when we got an invite to head to Indianapolis to spend the day with Jamie, Susanne, and the Littles. It turned out to be a really nice day. Lily had constant entertainment in the form of J and her pet bird, a musical Barney doll, and Bo the Beagle. I discovered that I really like cornbread stuffing and fried apples, I didn't kill nut-allergic Susanne with my pecan pie, and a good time was had by all. Hopefully my second-glass-of-wine ranting and raving didn't offend anyone. Oprah wasn't there to get offended, so if you don't tell her, I won't.

Most of today was spent at my office upgrading my computer to OSX Leopard. Woo-hoo. Except I didn't find out until afterwards that it doesn't get along too well with Konica Minolta printers. I might have a major problem come Monday morning, but I'm trying really hard not to lose too much sleep over it. We purposefully stayed away from all retail locations in silent protest of the Madness that is Black Friday. We may venture out for some holiday consumerism tomorrow. Maybe.

And, I finished the hat and mitten set I've been knitting for the Bug.

We ended up renting the old Rankin-Bass Frosty the Snowman cartoon to watch with Lily tonight, not realizing it was going to completely traumatize her, but I'll be covering that over at the Lilyblog.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Posted by mwashburn at 09:28 PM | Comments (0)

October 29, 2007

When You're Two, the World Makes NO Sense

I just love living with a two-year-old. You're treated to frequent and inexplicable bouts of falling down on the floor and crying. You get to hear "thank you" pronounced "FANK you." Spaghetti is somehow morphed into a gas pump. Sharks live in your car (the Bug is kind enough to catch these sharks each day and throw them back in the sea). Your daughter can marry a koala (out of nowhere, the Bug often states that she wants to have a "koala wedding" and "marry a koala"). You can wear stripes with plaid. And best of all, you've always got a hug when you need one.

We had a nice weekend without Daddy, who went to an old friend's wedding in Baltimore. Saturday night we made dinner with a friend who was also solo-with-children for the evening. Homemade pasta, garlic bread, and Mary Poppins after dinner. The kids (Bug and twins who turned 3 in September) watched, rapt, for about 30 minutes, then slowly spiraled into bedtime meltdown. It's so awesome to watch the Bug start to interact with other kids. A spontaneous round of ring-around-the-rosy, or watching the three of them hold hands and jump up and down (a skill the Bug mastered just this last week) is really cool. Your own child just seems so often to be the most fascinating creature ever created. I realize that however difficult the constant needing and clinging is, before I know it she really won't need me anymore. I just love her so intensely that I somehow feel this as a loss already. That all-consuming, truly unconditional love is as terrifying as it is comforting, in no small part because of the risk of its absence.

Posted by mwashburn at 07:07 PM | Comments (0)

October 08, 2007

At Least She Was Breastfeeding

This woman really knows how to party. I never thought of snorting my coke off a baby!!!

From the Times Union (an upstate New York newspaper):

Police said Wendy Cook of Saratoga Springs was on a drug-fueled spree Monday when she was arrested during a crackdown on prostitution in the Hamilton Hill, Central State Street and Vale Cemetery areas...

According to the police report, Cook inhaled lines of powdered cocaine off the infant's stomach as she breast-fed him while riding around Schenectady.

There's more, and it's just really horrifying. I keep hearing news stories involving terrible neglect and abuse of young children, and even in my worst mommy moments of wanting to shout at my child because she won't come brush her teeth, I can't even comprehend the lack of empathy and affection that allows people to do these kinds of things.

Posted by mwashburn at 04:15 PM | Comments (3)

October 03, 2007

Today's Menu

I think I'm going to milk this dairy allergy thing (no pun intended) as long as possible. Instead of buttered white bread and canned peas at daycare, my toddler has the following in her lunch box:

a.m. snack: grapes and apples (that we picked on Sunday)
lunch: herb-crusted pork tenderloin, homemade mango-ginger applesauce, organic veggie medley
p.m. snack: sesame sticks and organic animal crackers

She'd better appreciate this epicurean toddlerhood someday.

Despite working full-time, I still make it a priority to cook, for all kinds of reasons. I know it's a lot of work, but I like good food too much to jettison that particular responsibility. And now that the Bug is getting old enough, she can "help" in the kitchen, meaning it's not necessarily time away from her. It's so funny watching her in her play kitchen talking through various steps to preparing a meal. It's something I'm really glad I'm passing on to her.

Things that really make meal preparation easier when you work are advance planning, ingredient prep beforehand (and having a food processor), and making extra to freeze of anything that requires time. I do use things like frozen veggies and canned beans, but I don't think I lose points for that. This morning, while I had my first cup of coffee, I threw some onions and red peppers into the food processor for a quick chop and sauteed them, then stirred in some thawed spinach. That is now set aside in the fridge to assemble no-boil lasagna tonight, in three individual pans (one to bake tomorrow, one to freeze, and one mini cheese-free for Lily). It'll take about 1/2 hour to put together, and will be all ready to roll whenever we need it. Some of my quick recipes are totally made up or thrown together last-minute, but others are tried and true recipes. Vegetarian Times, which isn't so good anymore (in my opinion) used to have a lot of good quick meals, which I clipped and saved, and surprisingly Parenting magazine has a lot of good 30 minute meals each month. Despite the fact that her voice gets on my nerves, I find myself wanting to try some of Rachael Ray's recipes too, though she's a little heavier on the meat than we tend to be. Bon Appetit!

Posted by mwashburn at 07:08 AM | Comments (3)

September 30, 2007

Have You Hugged Your Pumpkin Today?

Happy Fall!

This photo is from our trip to County Line Orchard today. We got to pick apples, play in the petting zoo, drink cider, and get some nice pumpkins for the front steps. I really really want a pet goat now. According to local ordinance, we are allowed to have a Pygmy goat, because they are considered pets and not livestock. How freakin' cool. The bug liked feeding the goats, and was a stupendous apple picking helper. I love fall.

Posted by mwashburn at 01:25 PM | Comments (0)

September 19, 2007

Teen Tracking or Teen Talking?

I suppose it's never too early to think about teen issues when you have children.

My parenting style is mainly based on the ideas of attachment parenting. I really think that a strong parent-child bond, and a relationship based on respect and nurturing helps in child social development and goes a long way in setting the stage for your relationship with your child into the teen years and beyond.

Brickhouse Security apparently does not share this view. They are marketing a number of test kits and devices aimed at monitoring, spying on, and otherwise infringing the Constitutional rights of your teen. Did you have any idea there was such a thing as a semen detection kit?

Here it is:

Talk about invading someone's privacy. I agree that a parent's job is to set limits and to enforce boundaries, and all that, but my attitude is generally that you give your kid the tools to make good decisions, and then their job is to learn through trial and error how to make their own decisions. I realize that this might involve sex, drugs, and/or rock and roll. If I haven't raised a smart, independent, responsible kid, I'm not sure how monitoring her cell phone calls is going to do anything but piss her off.

I don't think that kids have the same absolute rights as adults, especially when still living under their parents' roof, but at the same time I'm not really sure that superspy-level monitoring and tracking and drug testing is really a relationship builder. There's something to be said for demonstrating respect and trust, and if your kid is already so far gone that these things really seem necessary, well, maybe it's a job for the local authorities.

But ask me again when the Bug is sixteen...

Posted by mwashburn at 06:34 PM | Comments (1)

September 05, 2007

It's Official

Not only does the government put corporate profits ahead of your health, it puts corporate profits ahead of your baby's health. This article from the Washington Post details how federal officials toned back the content of breastfeeding advocacy ads several years ago (I don't know that they were fantastic to begin with, but we can discuss that at length later) and officials were also pressured to not publicize statistics showing fewer childhood illnesses among breastfed babies. More discussion here.

You knew that formula was manufactured by some of the wealthiest, most politically connected companies on the planet (including Big Pharma), but did you really think they felt so threatened by the message that Breast is Best that they had to play dirty?

And here's some more great stuff compliments of the Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog, about how your maternity nurse may have been bought off to push formula on you. Wake up, people. Breastfeeding is part of motherhood. Formula is necessary in some situations for the health of mother and baby, absolutely, but it should not be the norm, and it should not be pushed for the sake of corporate profits when ALL the facts point to the fact that this "choice" has long-term health consequences for children.

/rant.

A Quick Addendum...
If there were a pill that you could take once your baby was born that would:
•Help speed your post-partum recovery
•Help you lose weight
•Reduce your risk of postpartum depression
•Significantly reduce your risk of breast and cervical cancer
•Keep you from menstruating for up to 20 months
•Significantly reduce your baby's risk of diabetes
•Reduce your baby's risk of female cancers
•Strengthen your baby's immune system and reduce the risk of ear and respiratory infections
•Aid your baby's brain development

Would you take it? Wouldn't you expect your doctor to be strongly encouraging you to take that pill? The problem is, no one has figured out how to make very much money on that particular pill. Well, except for maybe the Boppy people.

Posted by mwashburn at 06:43 AM | Comments (0)

August 27, 2007

Busy Bug

The Bug has taken to sticking her nose into whatever it is we're working on at the moment (making dinner, putting a wire on the back of a painting, etc.) and announcing that "Lilybug is helping with this big work!" She also likes to climb up into my desk chair and start noodling about on the computer, announcing that she is "working hard." I notice that I now have a .pdf file called "Oo g" on my desktop.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:36 PM | Comments (1)

August 26, 2007

Endings

So many things are drawing to a close around here. First of all, I finally got around to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and devoured the entire thing in a few days, even reading in the car on our drive down to Bloomington. I think a lot of my tears at the ending were due to the mere fact that it's ended. I've stuck with the series for a lot of years now, and it's just weird that it's over. But well worth the ride. No spoilers in this entry though; I think I need a few days to mull it all over.

In other "endings" news, I think we are finally very very near to weaning the Bug. She went four full days without asking to nurse. Tonight, after a long weekend of short naps and lots of travel, she did ask, and I obliged. Although she is nearing the age where many children do wean themselves, I really thought starting daycare would make her LESS likely to give up nursing at this point, but it seems to have had quite the opposite effect. I don't know if it's distraction, disruption of her usual routine, or what, but she seems far less interested. All in all, this is a very good thing, as I have been nearing the end of my rope for some time, and we were keeping things quite brief. I wanted to end with happy memories of nursing rather than ending on a note of complete frustration and "I've HAD it!", but welcome as the end is, I can't help being a little sad too.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:38 PM | Comments (0)

August 17, 2007

Toy Recalls in the News

I know a lot of people are freaked out about all the recent toy recalls. It seems just insane to me that lead is finding its way into so many products for babies and children. On the one hand, the toys haven't really been a problem because we've tried so hard to not have "character" toys for the Bug to play with, favoring instead more imagination-based toys like blocks, play kitchen, dolls, legos, etc. However, I do think it's appalling that anything made for children not adhere to strict safety requirements.

If you're pissed off to, MomsRising has a petition asking Congress to act to ensure that "toxic toys" aren't allowed in the US.

Here's the link.

Posted by mwashburn at 07:07 PM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2007

Smart Parenting Blogs

We talk a lot about providing for the Bug in the future and under all manner of circumstances. Having a child really changes how you think about the future. Suddenly, things like wills, college savings, and learning about financial responsibility become very important. We haven't DONE a whole lot, mind you, but we have a plan.

[This post sponsored by the Earn Smart–Spend Smart blog]

The other problem any time one is trying to figure out how to spend/save/invest is that it seems like a lot of the people giving the advice are also trying to sell you something. So it's nice to stumble upon a blog that appears to be offering objective advice on the subject. Enter the choresandallowances blog. The author is a businessman and entrepreneur who has young kids, and he has great info and discussion about what to consider when choosing a savings vehicle for kids, how to teach them financial responsibility, etc. He is CEO of PAYjr, a company that offers prepaid Visa cards for kids. The blog itself does not seem to push any particular product or solution, which is refreshing. There is also a recent post on banking, discussing how internet banking is affecting the industry, and profiling the peer-to-peer lending site Prosper. This is something Adam and I were just discussing the other day; we are considering moving more of our investments away from a bricks-and-mortar bank.

The author says he's just sharing all the information he's gathered on youth culture and money. I think things are a lot different than they were when I was a kid; kids are being taught to be consumers younger and younger. And while I think teaching them to be savvy about money is smart, it's also smart to have your own strategies for navigating the financial seas as a family. This is a good source of information to help families do that.

Posted by mwashburn at 07:48 AM | Comments (0)

August 08, 2007

Looking for an Ameda Breast Pump?

When I was pregnant I went ahead and bought a breast pump. I just assumed I'd be going back to work, and wanted to be prepared. After some research and price comparison, I bought an Ameda Breast Pump. This brand was a lot harder to find than the ubiquitous Medela, but for comparable quality was a lot cheaper.

[This post sponsored by Breastpumps Direct]

I did a lot of pumping after the Bug was first born, and despite the fact that I had a more-than-ample supply, it was always difficult for me. Coupled with the fact that the Bug refused to take a bottle, I think it's a good thing that I ended up staying at home through the intense nursing months (years? ack).

I really could have used the Breastpumps Direct website when I was shopping around though. It's got every brand I've ever heard of, accessories, reviews, and links to places like the AAP and La Leche League. The prices are great, and they even have a price-match guarantee. I tend to recommend the Ameda to people, mostly based on the quality for the price. I've also been told that if you're serious about pumping in any quantity, that you have to go with an electric model.

These things are not cheap, though $200 and up for a breastpump is nothing compared to the approximately $1700 it costs for formula for the first two years. Those of you who know me know my passionate support of breastfeeding and breastfeeding education, and I would say that if you are returning to work and are willing to do what it takes to continue breastfeeding, one of these babies is absolutely indispensable. End of sermon. The Breastpumps Direct website looks to be a really great retailer for this stuff, specializing in pumps rather than selling just a couple of models in addition to tons of other baby stuff. They stand behind the concept of breastfeeding rather than treating it as an afterthought.

Posted by mwashburn at 05:59 PM | Comments (1)

August 02, 2007

Unreliable at Best

So with my half-time work schedule, we've been doing a combination of leaving the Bug home with Daddy and hiring a babysitter for the occasional morning or afternoon. Today was the first day I've left the Bug with the teen babysitter for a longer stretch. I think things went fine; I'm still a little nervous about the whole thing, but she seems like a good kid and quite responsible, with lots of babysitting experience. I also hope that I know my child well enough to know if something was wrong when I return. Today the report was "Bug cried." "Why did you cry?" I asked. "From S..." (the babysitter). "What did S do?" "Played puzzles with me!" "And that made you cry?" "Potty made Bug cry." S gave me the story, which was just that the Bug was getting tired and had a fit over which potty to use. Not unusual. Later, after S had left, I asked if S had anything to eat (I've give her free reign of the fridge and cupboard). "YES!" "What did she eat?" "Pancakes! And waffles!" I think for toddlers, the line between reality and elaborate invention is very thin. I read somewhere that children this age often don't differentiate between reality and what delights them to think/talk about. Hence stories about Rubber Duckie having made the mess on the bathroom floor, and so forth. Wishful thinking is more or less real to them, or at least that is the only way they know how to express it. In any case, this whole transition is going about as well as could be expected. I'm just having to work extra hard on being patient, and I sometimes have a hard time switching back and forth between Work Me and Mommy Me. It really does take completely different brain functions, both of which can be quite taxing.

Posted by mwashburn at 02:44 PM | Comments (1)

July 18, 2007

Potties and Jobs and Blueberries, Oh My!

Big news in these parts!

First, we are knee-deep in Potty Training. The Bug is doing really, really well. We're even leaving the house in "big girl underpants" many days. I'd say we're at about 75% success in underpants, though still in a diaper for nap and bedtime. I am just so looking forward to not buying diapers anymore.

Second, it's official. I'm going back to Working Stiff. I got a decent offer with a small, flexible, family-friendly printing company in town. I'm starting out part-time next week, with the promise that I'll be brought up to full time status within about 2 months time. It's going to be pretty busy; I'll be wearing a lot of hats because it's a small business (though my official title will be Graphic Designer). But, I like that I can kind of transition in and that I can pretty freely come and go as long as the work is getting done. Adam doesn't teach during the month of August, so the plan is that he'll stay home with the Bug on the days I work. I like the idea of her getting used to me being gone all day first, then we can transition her into daycare. She's excited about "going to school," and I feel pretty good about the program we're putting her into.

I'm not sure yet what the future of Studio Virgo is; I will still be able to take freelance on a limited basis, depending upon the type of client/project. If it becomes clear that I can no longer do design work under the Studio Virgo banner, I will probably just shift the focus and still keep the name for my selling on etsy and any other fine art ventures.

So, lots going on here, but all good. Oh, and as for the blueberry thing... well, we just have an awful lot of them right now, between going picking and getting 2 buckets through our local CSA. I made blueberry vinaigrette to put on our salad tonight (YUMMY!) and Adam asked if everything was going to have blueberry in it for a while. Yup.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:00 PM | Comments (1)

July 12, 2007

More Firsts

The Bug, Nana, and I went to Target this afternoon. The Bug wore BIG GIRL UNDERPANTS on this outing. This is the first time I've dared leave the house without a diaper on her. I think that week we spent home sick was a good thing, as she was either naked or in underpants most of the time. She was very excited because we picked out some new underpants together. I have about 85 diapers left (of the last Giganto-family-size box we bought at Costco), and I told her that that's all the diapers there are left; we're not getting any more when those are gone. Let's hope I can stick to that. We're definitely going through them at a slower clip than we used to. I'm looking forward to having that extra $40 a month for haircuts or gym membership or coffee or the college fund or whatever!

Posted by mwashburn at 06:51 PM | Comments (0)

July 05, 2007

Little Victories

There are those rare moments where you realize maybe some of your attempts at parenting are sinking in, and the genuineness and innocence of those moments just turns you into a little puddle.

Today, after a long morning at the beach, Bug, Nana and I headed to Panera for lunch. While waiting on line, a tired-out and hungry Bug started to hit me in the chest. This is a new habit when she's cranky and getting a little wacko. After the second time, I put her down, saying "If you're going to hit Mommy, I'm not going to hold you right now." My two-year-old slunk onto the floor in a heap, wailing "Uuuuuuuuuup!" I said "I know you are tired and hungry, and we are going to get some food, so I just need you to behave for a few more minutes." "Uuuuuuuuup!" "If I pick you up, are you going to hit me?" "No."

I picked her back up, and she laid her head on my shoulder, patted me on the chest, and said, in her little Baby voice, "Sorry."

Posted by mwashburn at 09:09 PM | Comments (1)

July 03, 2007

Our Day at the Zoo

We spent the day Monday with Adam's parents at Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. A good time was had by all. Although with traffic it took quite a while to get there, it's a really nice little zoo. Perfect for little ones with short attention spans and afternoon naps. One really nice thing is how close you can get to many of the animals. Our day started in the Big Cat House, and while we were looking at all the smaller big cats, we suddenly heard a booming roar, and in walked the lion from his outdoor area. He walked the length of the indoor enclosure, roaring the whole way while children's jaws dropped to the floor. It was pretty cool.

The other highlight of the day was the Gorilla House. I've never seen gorillas in real life before, and here you can get right up next to them, just on the other side of the glass. They have a whole clan of related gorillas there, including a mom and baby maybe a year or two old. We watched the mom tickling the baby and the baby running around playing like any other toddler.

Here's the little "tree" tunnel for kids to get up right next to the glass.

I was really awed when the enormous male silverback gorilla came out and sat down right next to where we were. It was a little scary, honestly, being that close. You look in their eyes and they don't look like animals. I swear, they look smarter than some people I've met.

After lunch (the "Healthy Kids Lunch" at the Gorilla Grill has a turkey hot dog, carrot sticks, and SOYMILK! Yay! Though the cookies were not dairy-free) we rode the carousel, which Lily loved, and saw a few more animals before heading out. Lily was asleep before we left the parking lot.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:53 PM | Comments (1)

June 25, 2007

Hammin' it Up

I had no idea my child was such a ham in front of the camera. We've never done professional photos before, but the grandparents are clamoring and she just turned two and all, so... off we went to Picture Me! inside our local Wal-Mart (I know, I know). I dressed her in her new lilac dress with the butterfly, and brought a change of casual clothes, figuring we probably wouldn't even get through to a change of clothes. Well, I was mistaken. Not only did she behave, hold every pose the photographer put her in, and smile beautifully, but she actually asked to change clothes AGAIN, and kept saying "take more pictures!" when we were all done. I spent about 5 times as much as I had intended, but they all came out so well, and I know we'll have plenty of use for them. So let the onslaught of wallet-size begin!!!

Posted by mwashburn at 01:15 PM | Comments (0)

June 21, 2007

Photo Op

A rare photo of the Bug. This was at the park with Daddy on her birthday.

Posted by mwashburn at 03:12 PM | Comments (0)

June 19, 2007

Anticipation

Well, the grunt work is done and Adam is almost done spackling the spare room. I'll post pictures when it's all painted and pretty. Not much else new to report. Lots of pots-a-boilin' around here though. The Bug's "big girl bed" is scheduled for delivery tomorrow, I've got an actual client meeting with a potential freelance client at the end of the week, and have also started scheming on how to start my own bricks-and-mortar business. This is probably months, if not years, away, but current circumstances have made the prospect more and more interesting. I'm starting by picking the brains of everyone I know who is involved in their own business venture, and starting to investigate things like storefront rental costs. Will keep you all posted if anything interesting comes of it, but at present I'm treating it mainly as a fantasy world exercise.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:19 PM | Comments (0)

June 12, 2007

Happy Birthday To You...

Today is the little bug's birthday. Adam came home early from work and we're planning a low-key celebration with chocolate cupcakes when the Bug wakes up from her afternoon nap. We gave her one gift this morning: the duplo blocks bus we found for her a few weeks ago. She's been madly building... things... all day.

And, I realized I owe you all a winner in the caption contest. Well, I think I'm going to have to award the prize to Drew for the "free range cheerios and milk." Consolation prize to Heidi for her third entry, which is the only one that made me laugh out loud, but sadly had to be disqualified because it didn't actually have anything to do with the photo.

No ETA on actually getting prizes in the mail, but I'll get something together.

Posted by mwashburn at 02:39 PM | Comments (3)

May 13, 2007

Happy Mother's Day

WHY THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD IS STILL THE LEAST VALUED

by Ann Crittenden, author of The Price of Motherhood
The most important job, even economists agree, is raising the next generation. This is still predominantly women’s work, and they are still unpaid, badly paid, and often disrespected for doing it. Caring for others, especially for children, is so taken for granted, especially in the U.S., that having a baby is the single worst financial decision an American woman can make.

Take jobs. They are designed ideally for people who have no family life—or can delegate the family work to someone else. As a result, after they have children many women either work part-time or leave paid employment altogether. Often this is not their preferred choice; it’s a path they are forced to take because of workplace rigidities. And it costs women dearly: a college-educated woman with one child can easily pay a “Mommy tax” (lost lifetime earnings) of $1 million.

Married mothers also soon discover that marriage is not an equal financial partnership. The typical American mother is economically dependent on her spouse, andhas no claim on his income in the event of divorce. She and the children face a serious risk of poverty if the marriage ends—a risk that most fathers don’t face.

Social policy does little to insure these risks or reward mothers for their economic contribution. Nannies earn Social Security credits; mothers do not. They earn a zero for every year they spend caring for family members. This means that motherhood is the single biggest risk factor for poverty in old age.

This treatment of mothers is an anachronism. We need to stop sentimentalizing mothers and other caregivers and start according their work the respect and material recognition that it deserves—and earns. I believe that this is the big unfinished business of the women’s movement.

So check out Momsrising.org.

On a lighter note, we got up early today and I was treated to some nice gifts from Adam and Lilybug. From Adam, a copy of The Motherhood Manifesto (and the great coffee Moms Rising was bundling with the book as a fundraising promotion). From Lily I got a jar of jalapeno-stuffed olives. She had picked these out herself, which was sweet, except for her insistence that we open them right away so that Mommy could share these olives with her.

Next, we had a nice breakfast at Suze's Cafe. The Mother's Day breakfast special was asparagus quiche with hollandaise sauce. Yummy!!! Other than that, we're just relaxing today and finishing up the painting in my office. Photos soon!

Posted by mwashburn at 02:58 PM | Comments (0)

May 09, 2007

Conversations with Lily

"Mommy got coffee."
"Yep. I like our new coffeemaker."
"That new coffeemaker."
"Yep."
"Old coffeemaker died."
"Yes, it did."
"Sophie died too."
"Yes, she did. But that's a little different."
"Sophie old and sick."
"Yes, hon, she was."

AND

"Wassat?"
"Ants."
"They crawling AROUND. The going in the GROUND."
"Yep."
"Ants. They they they having a PARTY!"
"You think so?"
"Uh-huh."

Posted by mwashburn at 02:13 PM | Comments (1)

March 29, 2007

"Lily's Circus"

Posted by mwashburn at 12:37 PM | Comments (2)

March 20, 2007

Favorite Toddlerisms

"Stretch-ups" – Any sort of sit up, push up, or stretching I do after jogging.

"Heartbeeps" – heartbeat

Adam's current favorite is when Lilybug calls Michael's Crafts the "Crap Store."

Posted by mwashburn at 03:34 PM | Comments (1)

March 17, 2007

Firsts

Adam was on spring break this week, so Friday we finally had a family outing. We decided to take the train into Chicago to take the Bug to the Field Museum. She was great on the train, and really seemed to get a kick out of it. We see so many trains around here, and she's always excited when we see one, so it was quite a novelty to actually RIDE on the "people train".

The first thing we did at the museum was sit down and have some lunch, then it was off to see the dinosaurs. The Evolving Planet exhibit they have there right now is very nice. I get really excited about all the fossils. They have so many beautiful fossilized plants, fish, and animals in those big slabs of limestone. Stuff like this (image from fossilmuseum.net)

And of course, my favorites, the trilobites.

They are 2-dimensional, yet so sculptural. And the scale of some of these things was just really awe-inspiring. Lily wasn't quite as nuts about the dinosaurs as I thought she would be. In fact, in the main hall, Adam was trying to show her "Sue," the T. Rex, but she just wanted to squeal and point at the elephants. Fair enough. The one thing that really got her attention though was the psauropod footprint they had beside the Apatosaurus family skeletons. You can touch it (or stand in it, if you're a child). I thought we were never going to get her out of there. We had to go back three times so that she could sit in it.

Soon after that, she fell asleep in the stroller, allowing Adam and I to browse some of the other exhibits at our leisure. We had a really good time, and I think we may end up getting a family membership there, as there are a few temporary exhibits coming up in the next year that we'd really like to see.

Posted by mwashburn at 06:10 PM | Comments (1)

February 20, 2007

Here's the Culprit

I'm 99% sure we're currently dealing with Rotavirus. Nasty little bug. Fever, vomiting, and diarrhea for 3-8 days. Poor Lily had a rough day yesterday. I'm just trying to keep her hydrated and hope we're almost out of the woods.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:11 AM | Comments (3)

February 19, 2007

You Haven't Lived

Until you have dismantled a child's carseat to clean vomit out of it.

We had a wonderful trip to Bloomington/Indianapolis this past weekend, where we toured the new IMA, saw old friends, and drank beer. Lily had a fever Friday night, but she acted fine Saturday morning so we went anyway. Well, Saturday night the fever spiked up to 102.7 and only came down after we put the poor thing, screaming, in a lukewarm bath. And Sunday, she seemed fine. She ate a huge breakfast and was happy and playing. Until we were at our friends' house to visit their new baby. Lily started barfing everywhere. I was so mortified. I'll feel awful if we've given a stomach virus to a ten-day-old baby. The drive back to Valpo was uneventful. Until we pulled in the driveway and the vomiting started again.

Today we began day two of the digestive siege. Adam and I are, as yet, unaffected, so keeping my fingers crossed.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:29 AM | Comments (0)

February 08, 2007

Untitled

Since my toddler is currently running around the house wearing nothing but a pair of white socks and a pink pacifier, shouting "Noooooooooo!" I thought I'd take a moment to blog.

Yesterday, I discovered the joy of shoe shopping with said toddler. At one point, after I had herded her back to my approximate location in the largely empty DSW for about the tenth time, I tried on a pair of shoes, and looked up to see her gleefully clomping towards me with nothing on one foot and an enormous, white-sequined high heel on the other foot.

I was shoe shopping because I have a JOB INTERVIEW on Monday, and needed a pair of decent business dressy-type shoes to wear. I'm in a complete meltdown because it's a great company, entry-level design position, but I have no idea if they'll go for my whole "flexible part-time" needs. Honestly, it's well-nigh impossible to work a full 40 hour week plus travel time and get a child to and from daycare. Plus I'm just not 100% comfortable leaving Lily in daycare that many hours per week yet. I've found a couple of wonderful people who do part-time daycare (which is another difficulty--most make you pay for full time even if you child isn't), but it still feels wrong to me to be away from her that much. I want to start with part time and work up to full time over the next year or so. Then she'll be old enough for preschool and everything.

Part of me wants to go back to work, to be designing, interacting with adults, so badly. But another part of me wants to stay home, knit, play with Lily, be her Mommy. This is probably going to be one of the hardest transitions I've ever faced.

But, it's just an interview. A lot of things could happen. Wish me luck.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:07 PM | Comments (1)

December 12, 2006

More Milestones

Happy 18 Month Birthday! Wow, a whole year and a half. I am amazed at the incredible changes that happen just in a six month span, at how I change as well as Lily. I am finally feeling 100% myself again, probably a happy side effect of sleeping most nights once again. In the meantime, Lily has grown like a weed (a whole inch in the last 3 months!) and learned to walk, talk, "dance," climb, and spin. This emerging little personality delights me each and every day as I discover the charming, funny, smart little person my helpless little baby is now becoming. She is very cautious physically, not climbing or running quite as well as some of her same-age friends, but way ahead verbally, routinely stringing 2 and 3 words together. She loves books and songs, and yesterday actually regaled me with her own rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." With my help, it went a little something like this:

Tinkle
Tinkle star
Howunner what are
Upabof so high
Diamond inna sky
Tinkle star

Brilliant, for 18 months, I say.

I still lay down with her every night at bedtime, but now she falls asleep, and I sneak back to my room for an uninterrupted 7 hours or so almost every night. Although more in love with my child than ever, I am starting to feel our separateness more acutely. For so long we were one, but now we are becoming two. I think the flashes of separation anxiety Lily has been having lately are a result of this. We exist in our separate spheres now, and when either of us stops to consider that, we need to reconnect in a very intense way. I know that it will subside, but it's difficult when I want to remain Me and Lily needs to feel We.

I have been so bad at documenting my thoughts, feelings, and observations over the last year and a half. But I really hope I always remember Lily's funny toddler mannerisms, her words (how is it that she can say "avocado" clear as day, but oatmeal is still "oomp"?), they way she runs to the door saying "Daddy!" when Adam gets home at night. But I know more change is in store, and hopefully lots more love and wonder.

Happy year and a half, baby!

Posted by mwashburn at 07:40 AM | Comments (1)

November 20, 2006

Ranting about Breastfeeding Again

But this one is pretty bad. A woman was asked to leave an airplane because she was breastfeeding her 22-month-old.

the article

Paul Skellon, a spokesperson for Freedom Airlines (a partner of Delta, who is also named in the woman's lawsuit,) said
"She was asked to use a blanket just to provide a little more discretion, she was given a blanket, and she refused to use it, and that’s all I know."

Well, I can tell you that a child that age isn't going to suffer having a blanket over his/her head, first of all. Second of all, why is "discretion" the issue? Some people are bothered by it no matter how discreet you try to be, so that's just bullshit. I'm just so sorry that women are STILL dealing with this. I also know that people get more and more uncomfortable the older the child. I've still had nothing said to me, but I've received looks on a couple of occasions recently. I don't breastfeed in public much these days, but there have been a couple of all-day outings that required it.

This brings to mind the recent issue of BUST magazine. I usually love this magazine, but there was an article about the Childfree by Choice movement. That's great. I once identified very strongly with that, and I totally respect people's choice not to have children. However, the article went into this whole "woe is me" bit about how unfair society is to those who don't have children and how those who have children trample all over their rights. Bullshit. Parenthood is hard hard hard and society doesn't lift a damn finger in most cases to help, so get over it. I refuse to stay home, discreetly breastfeeding, and not participate in a full life just because I have a small child. While I agree that changing a diaper on the dinner table at a restaurant is totally unacceptable, the fact of the matter is that sometimes you have to make due and Damn what anyone else thinks.

/rant.

Posted by mwashburn at 07:47 AM | Comments (5)

November 02, 2006

And Here's Where We Part Ways, She and I

I finally finished reading A Life's Work: On Becoming a Mother, and found myself utterly disappointed. It started out as a beautifully written description of the despair of the early days of motherhood, capturing very well (or so I thought) my own desperate first days of postpartum depression. However, it never went anywhere. The drudgery plodded on, the despair never resolved or turned to joy, there was no epiphany of the wonder of motherhood or moment of seeking any professional help. I was left with so much sadness that instead of finding her New self, Rachel Cusk simply pushed her daughter away (her daughter seems to be a shadowy, peripheral thing in the book; never referred to by name, and never really acknowledged as a person), resenting her cries, leaving her to cry alone in her room for hours and hours, and ultimately describing the gulf between her and her toddler as if it were some sort of personal freedom. At the end of the book, her daughter falls and cuts herself, pushes her mother away and runs to her father. And, at the beginning of an outing that the author refuses to go on, her daughter left a pair of red boots at the door to her mother's room. I wanted to cry. It is then that Cusk starts to go on about missing the fleeting days of babyhood. But, I wanted to scream, the damage is already done. She revels in her "escape" from breastfeeding at three months.

Yes, this parenthood stuff is hard and oppressive at times. But, in the words of a good mommy friend, "parenthood is a front-end investment." I can't imagine not being as close to Lily as I am now. She is starting to stake out her independence, little by little, but on her own terms. I know her as I know myself. I can only hope that this serves to cement our bond into her entire childhood and even adulthood. I think to the future and hope that this time will bear fruit when Lily is confronted with some of the more difficult choices of growing up. This is all foundation work.

The reason I resorted to medication for my depression was because I felt a rift between how I was supposed to feel about my child (difficulties and all) and how I actually felt. It was like I could see life through a pane of glass, but couldn't get to it. Rather than retreat into myself and make her suffer, in those first endlessly needy months, I got help. I went for the quick fix because I didn't want to miss anything and I wanted to put her and her needs, for the time, first.

I'm not sitting here judging Cusk as a person, especially since this book is a work of literature and was mostly written after the fact, much of it with a tone of attempting to be darkly humorous or poignant. But the picture of motherhood it painted was not one I was ultimately able to feel at peace with. She talks about the evils of parenthood being visited upon babies, who then perpetuate these same things upon their own children. I got frustrated at her attitude of being a helpless observer, a prisoner. She writes as if utterly isolated from other people (and her own child). As I said, at first I could very strongly identify with her feelings, but I was left at the end of the book as if waiting for a punchline that never came.

Posted by mwashburn at 01:24 PM | Comments (1)

October 26, 2006

Reading

One evening, sitting outside in the garden in the dusk, I realise that three months have passed and that summer has come. My daughter is lying on a rug looking at the leaves above her. She wriggles and kicks her legs and laughs at things that I can't see. She has red hair and bright eyes. I know that in some inarticulable way I have over the past weeks witnessed again her birth; that the sound of her agony, her despair, was the sound of a terrible, private process of creation. I see that she has become somebody. I realise, too, that the crying has stopped, that she has survived the first pain of existence and out of it wrought herself. And she has wrought me, too, because although I have not helped or understood, I have been there all along and this, I suddenly and certainly know, is motherhood; this mere sufficiency, this presence. With every cry she has tutored me, in what is plain and hard: that my affection, my silly entertainments, my doting hours, the particular self I tried to bring to my care of her, have been as superfluous as my fury and despair. All that is required is for me to be there; an 'all' that is of course everything, because being there involves not being anywhere else, being ready to drop everything. Being myself is no compensation for not being there. And accordingly, the whole peopled surface, the occupation of my life has been swept away by her cries. That she has stopped crying I take as an indication that she judges my training to have been successful and the rank of mother attained; a signal that we can now, cautiously, get on with the business of living together.

–Rachel Cusk, A Life's Work: On Becoming a Mother

Well, first off, Cusk had it easy if the crying stopped at three months. But, as with every successive reading or conversation, I glean more of the meaning of what I have become and what the transformation has meant. Cusk clearly has the same ambivalence towards the loss of self that Rich describes so painfully and articulately in Of Woman Born, but without the political overtones I am able to see myself more clearly in her writing. And, in a way, to think about one piece that has maybe been missing from my searchings—my daughter. Because I am no longer Me, I am now We. And that will last the rest of my life. I can only describe parenthood as heartbreaking, but more in the sense that by completely starting over, you rebuild a heart from the pieces that is bigger and with a greater capacity than ever imagined.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:11 PM | Comments (0)

October 09, 2006

Of Woman Born

A woman preparing to swim the English Channel, or to climb in high altitudes, is aware that her system will undergo stress, her courage will be tested, and her life may even be in danger; but despite the demands to be expected on her heart, her lungs, her muscular coordination, her nerves, during such an effort, she thinks of it primarily in terms not of pain but of challenge. The majority of women, literate or illiterate, come to childbirth as a charged, discrete happening: mysterious, sometimes polluted, often magical, as torture rack or as "peak experience." Rarely has it been viewed as one way of knowing and coming to terms with our bodies, of discovering our physical and psychic resources.
—Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born

OK, so now that I have discovered the physical and psychic resources I possess, what do I DO with this knowledge? It has certainly made me more sure in the world, but at the same time I no longer have the same attitude towards pain I once did (I no longer tolerate it so well), nor do I have the world all to myself any longer. I almost feel that it is power squandered. I am really enjoying reading Rich, because it is obvious that she is fiercely in love with her children while still being acutely plagued by the sacrifices and compromises made by the creative woman who must divide herself, share herself with the care of these little creatures. And she puts all of it in a very interesting cultural and historical context, even challenging the natural childbirth movement as one more set of roles laid out by the patriarchy in a way, or at least an intellectual framing of childbirth that has been neither inclusive nor universal, but the luxury of an educated middle class.

I keep reading and reading, and talking and talking, and still thirst for information and perspectives on all of this. But I don't know where it is going to lead me. Maybe just in circles. I still feel like I'm trying to deceipher hieroglyphics, some secret code inscribed on my body to which I haven't yet been given the key. I know that no one else has the answer for me, but I am still hoping to cobble together these glimpses of meaning somehow.

Posted by mwashburn at 03:57 PM | Comments (2)

September 22, 2006

Welcome to the Jungle

Today was my first day of volunteering at the [local nonprofit community organization] daycare. Lily and I showed up for our 9am shift, not quite sure what to expect. My first round of disapproval began when I was informed that the crying, hungry, 8-week-old could not be fed for another 40 minutes because her mother has her "on a schedule." I try not to be a judgemental parent, but I really thought that in this enlightened age it was universally accepted that very small babies should be fed on demand. Much as I wanted to stay with the quiet little babies, it was a particularly busy day, so I got shuffled to the toddler room. Two staff members, me, and 17 rowdy 1 1/2-3 year olds. Holy cow. Most of them were boys, two of whom I will affectionately refer to as the Demon Twins. I managed to assuage a couple of cases of separation anxiety with story time, but I spent most of my two hours comforting Lily, who was completely overwhelmed, and trying to keep said Demon Twins from clunking other children over the head with toy trucks. Snack time was an interesting study in How Much Other Parents Suck. Who gives their two-year-old Pop Tarts as a snack?!?! Cheetos?!?! Things covered in sugar and chocolate chips?!?! I made it out alive, and am hoping that my Monday night shift will be a little calmer. All in the name of a free membership. Well, I do feel like my presence is helpful in that they always seem to need another set of eyes, and it makes me really really appreciate how great all my friends' kids are, even at their worst.

I realize that drop-in daycare is a bit of a different situation than a more structured, professional daycare environment, but still, the thing that struck me the most was that it was, at best, a triage situation. Rather than spend time with kids who wanted to learn, or play, or needed a little coaxing to interact, my time was spent putting out one fire after another and just making sure that these little animals didn't actually hurt one another. It's just so sad.

Posted by mwashburn at 12:38 PM | Comments (2)

August 28, 2006

Be Gone Ye Red Devil!

OK, what is it about this nappy red beast who refers to himself in the third person that forces toddlers to fall in love with him? I suppose Lily doesn't recognize him as the Marketing Machine that is Elmo, and refers to him casually as she would "dog," "bear," or "bunny," but why is it she can say "Elmo" suddenly and not "Bert," or "Big Bird?" It's really scary. I think it's toddler mind control. It's my own damn fault for letting her watch Sesame Street twice a week. "How could it hurt?" I thought. How naiive I was; my own rearing at the glowing portal to Sesame Street was in the innocent days before Elmo took over. My own morning peace and quiet comes at a price. Just as long as I can manage to live a life without Elmo shoes, backpacks, and sippy cups.

Posted by mwashburn at 04:15 PM | Comments (3)

August 24, 2006

Long Overdue Post on Birth, Mysticism, and the music of Tool

Brace yourself, this is gonna be a weird one, but I have to get it off my chest or out of my head or something.

Jogging is always my time to ponder the imponderables, think about mind and body and spirit, and just let my mind wander. Lately I've been jogging while listening to Tool's 10,000 Days. I don't really think I've had a chance to completely absorb and process the whole album, but I do like it a lot better than Lateralus. Lateralus was almost a bit too arty for me, and Days, while lyrically still quite convoluted, is at least musically back on the ground and full of nice, grindy guitars and stuff. Anyway, the thing I like about Tool is that they deal with things that are unseen, unseemly, grisly, dark, frightening, beneath the surface of our everyday lives and personalities, but in an incredibly beautiful way. Sublime, I'd call it. I am always left feeling like there is a lot I'm missing though. I know there are tons and tons of occult/mystic references, and while I have some awareness of what it's all about, I can hardly say I completely comprehend all of it.

Which brings me to the next car on this long, bizarre train of thought. If you do any reading on the occult, Alestair Crowley, those sorts of things, you find that in addition to trying to meet God and make gold from base metals, one of the aims of some of these people throughout history has been to call forth demons/beings from another realm or to animate inanimate things (think Golem-- no, not Tolkien's Gollum, but the Golem of Jewish mysticism). Add to this the conversation I had with my doula, who is really into the story of the Sumerian Goddess Inanna as an allegory of childbirth. This idea that you go to another realm, an underworld of sorts, stripped of everything you have or know, go to your absolute limits, and come back changed/reborn. I really felt that this had happened to me when I gave birth to Lily.

Childbirth, when entered into with eyes open and full presence in the experience, is an absolutely life-altering experience. Bringing forth life is pretty damn powerful, and I am not the same. I've gone through this mourning of who/what I was, and now I'm trying to figure out who this different creature that I have become IS. But back to how this relates to mysticism. At the time Lily was born, all I could think of was Alestair Crowley and his grand ceremonies using shit, blood, semen, etc. to try and call forth life. It all just seems a pale comparison to the experience of childbirth, rife with all those bodily fluids as well as pain and transformation. Is Magick really just men trying to replicate what women go through in childbirth? Some cultures decorate women as warriors after they give birth, but our culture doesn't really acknowledge much at all about the transformation of the mother through this experience; it becomes all about the baby in an instant.

I am wondering if there are other women who experience this transformation the way I have, on such a spiritual level. I suppose it's all just a problem of interpretation. Sure, we all swap "war stories" of how our labor went, what happened during the birth, etc., but to me those conversations lack some deeper element. It's something I can't put into words, but something I just *know* about where I went and what I've been through. It's no wonder that some women are treated for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) after a particularly difficult/invasive birth experience. All the sort of crunchy stuff about natural birth gets at some of it, in terms of "empowerment," but again, to me there is this lurking darker, more powerful element that I can't describe.

What is my point here? I don't know. I'm just grasping at straws trying to explain something that will in all likelihood remain inexplicable and unable to be captured in words. On a surface level it may come of as sort of birthist, feminist rantings, but I see it as much more personal. But it's something I need to try to explain in order to sort out for myself.

Posted by mwashburn at 12:09 PM | Comments (0)

July 13, 2006

OK, Ben, Your State has Partially Redeemed Itself

new law protecting public breastfeeding in Kentucky

Posted by mwashburn at 02:12 PM | Comments (1)

June 28, 2006

Oh, the Irony

Due to repeated incidents such as this one, a "nurse-in" at Victoria's Secret stores nationwide has been organized for this coming Saturday, July 1. If you are breastfeeding, or support breastfeeding, go to your nearest Victoria's Secret this Saturday and help educate the company about the benefits of breastfeeding as well as state laws protecting a mother's right to breastfeed in public. I'll be there.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:27 AM | Comments (2)

June 27, 2006

Who Am I?

Well, after a year of this whole mommy thing, I feel that I have finally regained some semblance of sanity and selfhood, however fleeting. I don't know when you get to say that you are officially "un-depressed," but I have been off the Zoloft for a full month now, and seem to be feeling pretty good overall. I have my moments, but I was always the angry sort before kids anyway.

I know that I am different in many ways than I was a year or two ago on the inside, and at the same time I'm suddenly struggling with the ways I'm different on the outside. When I start to turn the focus to myself instead of Lily for a minute, I start to see all the ways I'm different than I was. My body is different, my skin is different, my hair is different, I'm a couple of years older. I feel like I just skipped over a whole progression of time and didn't have a chance to adjust. I'm not in my 20s anymore, and for some reason that is a marker to me that something should be stylistically different. I don't feel right in my clothes any more, but at the same time I don't really know what I like, clothing-wise. I don't feel right without makeup, but my old standby of black eyeliner and red lipstick just makes me feel like I'm in drag. It's so odd. I need to get to know this new skin, and figure out what complements it. I'm not saying that I am my wardrobe, I'm just saying that I need a wardrobe. I can't live in jeans and crappy t-shirts, but I don't need to wear dress-up clothes. Can anyone help me?

Posted by mwashburn at 09:24 AM | Comments (0)

People who leave cigarette butts in childrens playgrounds should be put in thumbscrews

No, really.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:17 AM | Comments (2)

June 22, 2006

Yay! New Stuff to Get Outraged About!

Finally that post I've been promising, about my current reading list. I recently finished Susan Linn's Consuming Kids and am currently reading Branded: The Buying and Selling of Teenagers by Alissa Quart (which I don't like quite as much).

I was interested in these books because I really do think that kids are "sold" way too much, from McDonalds' underwriting of Sesame Street to soda vending machines in school. Linn's book solidified my position. She lays out an excellent case for banning all marketing to children, and makes it seem a completely reasonable position. The book is well researched and referenced, and an enjoyable (if infuriating) read.

More info:

Susan Linn's website

She has some excellent references and links, including the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood, an organization that has filed an FTC complaint against the makers of Baby Einstein and Brainy Baby for selling a product by touting its educational benefits based on... nothing! I always had a bad feeling about those Baby Einstein toys that were trying to make me feel like my baby wouldn't be smart enough without them... my gut was right. The toys/music/videos are pretty much cheaply made crap, the claims that they'll make your baby smarter are completely fabricated, and then there's the facts-- the number one predictor of IQ is *gasp* parental contact in the first months of life. Oh, and the whole "Mozart Effect" thing? It actually has nothing to do with making your baby listen to crappy synthesized classical music marketed by these clowns. It has to do with a study that showed a slight increase in IQ among toddlers who learned to play a keyboard. It's amazing what lengths marketers will go to to a) make parents feel like crap for not spending money and b) exploit developmental vulnerabilities in young children to make money. It truly is sickening.

I am the PTA's worst nightmare.

Posted by mwashburn at 04:09 PM | Comments (5)

June 18, 2006

Party On!

Well, the last guest has left, the dishes are washed, and Lily is peacefully napping. Her first birthday party has come and gone, and we proved that we still have a little party in us despite the onset of parenthood. We hosted 16 adults and 7 kids, and lived to tell the tale. It was a scorcher yesterday, but with two kiddie pools at least a few people were able to keep cool. We had tons of food, went through a truly remarkable amount of beer, and partied fairly late (for oldsters). Lily had a great time, and even kept her party hat on for 'Happy Birthday' and cupcakes. The best part was seeing out of town guests, some of whom had never met Lily before. So thanks to everyone who came, and especially to those who traveled hours to get here.

Posted by mwashburn at 03:59 PM | Comments (4)

June 12, 2006

Happy Birthday, Baby!

Thank you for the most whirlwind, wonderful, frustrating, challenging, heartbreaking, empowering, and altogether Superlative year of my life.

I love you so much.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:02 PM | Comments (2)

May 24, 2006

Another Reason to Love Austin

Article from the Austin Chronicle

Posted by mwashburn at 10:37 AM | Comments (3)

May 16, 2006

My First Mother's Day

I had a nice Mother's Day. Adam and the Bug took me out for breakfast, and though it came a day late, I also got this cool little tote bag from Neighborhoodies:

See, Lily's latest nickname is "Littles," so it's just the cutest thing. I can always use another bag to tote her STUFF around in.

So, my reflections on Mother's Day. How am I different this Mother's Day than I was last Mother's Day? Well, it's strange finally understanding how my mother feels about me. Knowing that I'm always going to have to feel this connected to and responsible for another life, as long as I live. I think that motherhood has made me a kinder person. It's forced me to slow down a lot, and worry less about what other people think. These are all things I wanted for myself before, I just never had the catalyst for it. Are there negatives? Sure, but they seem trivial in the face of the metamorphosis of myself that has occurred in the last year. And that's really about all I have to say. A lot of it is very wordless, and can't be adequately explained to someone who hasn't come to this side of things yet. And for those who have, I don't really need to explain it.

Posted by mwashburn at 02:45 PM | Comments (1)

May 10, 2006

The Motherhood Manifesto

There is a larger gap in pay between women with children and those without than between women and men.

Why is the US so backward among industrialized nations in suporting families?

A recent article in The Nation explores the topic.

Posted by mwashburn at 02:20 PM | Comments (0)

April 23, 2006

Almost Dairy-Free

While it has been easy not to give Lily any dairy products, eliminating it in my own diet has been a bit more difficult. There seem to be dairy ingredients in EVERYTHING. Bread. Tortillas. Pretzels. Margarine. You have to really read every label and shop around. I'm actually baking my own tortillas today to combat the problem. We'll see how they turn out. Whey is added to so many things, as is casein or sodium caseinate, which contains the very protein that triggers the allergic reaction to dairy.

I've been doing some reading, both on infant food allergies and on eczema. It seems that the number of children with peanut allergies has doubled in the past five years, and no one knows why. (This is according to the Allergy and Anaphalaxis Network). There are a lot of theories out there, from the quackish to the plausible, and though there is lots of research going on to help identify and treat food allergies, nothing has really shown a definitive causation. It's really disturbing on some level.

The good news is that of the 2.5% of children under two years of age who are affected by cow's milk allergies, 80% become "clinically tolerant" by three years of age. It turns out that my mother had severe eczema as a baby, and I had eczema as well. It was most likely linked to an undiagnosed food allergy, and we are all happy dairy consumers at this point in life. We'll just have to be careful and wait and see what happens. I'm going to continue to read everything I can get my hands on though, because I am just so curious about the whole phenomenon. I want to understand WHY this happens. It seems completely maladaptive.

Posted by mwashburn at 02:14 PM | Comments (2)

April 18, 2006

Uh-Oh

She's discovered the toilet paper roll.

We're crawling, full-force, not staying in the same room as Mommy, browsing through kitchen cabinets with aplomb. It's a busy time, especially since Mommy is trying to pack up the house and shop for bathroom tile. Ugh.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:46 AM | Comments (1)

April 12, 2006

Just Plain Exhausted

Well, we're back to square one with sleep. Apparently that whole sleeping through the night thing was just a byproduct of a cold. So, it's get up every two hours all night, and settle her back down after 45 minutes of napping, and screaming bloody murder at nap/bed time. She's added a new high-pitched scream where her voice cracks. It's really nice. And crawling, coupled with an expert ability to get into the one thing in the room I don't want her to play with means that Lily is bringing me to new depths of tired out.

The good news is that she's sleeping right now, so I'm enjoying a cup of Joe (decaf, of course), and grooving on some Mary J Blige. Now, for your dining pleasure, today's lunch:

Melissa's Ten-Ton Dairy-Free Waffles

Whisk together in a large bowl:

1 cup unbleached all-purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/4 cup oat bran
1 Tablespoon baking powder
1 Tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cardamom or cinnamon

Whisk together in another bowl:

3 large eggs, well beaten
1/4 cup vegetable shortening, melted
1/4 cup canola oil
1/2 mashed banana
1 1/2 cups vanilla soymilk
1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Make a well in the center of the dry ingredients and pour in the wet ingredients. Stir together with a few strokes, just until the dry ingredients are moistened. Lumps are ok! Let the batter sit while the waffle iron heats up. Ladle onto the iron, bake until no steam is visible and/or the waffles are nicely browned. Enjoy with real maple syrup!

Posted by mwashburn at 04:31 PM | Comments (0)

April 10, 2006

A Few Observations

• A life without dairy doesn't have to mean a life without joy, but it probably does.
• Babies will eat toilet paper if given half a chance.
• Shopping for tile with a 9-month-old whose sign language for "I'd like to nurse" consists of grabbing your breast and pulling up your shirt is not so fun.
• When you finally get started on that design project you've been meaning to do for a while, your baby will inevitably take a short nap.

Posted by mwashburn at 03:55 PM | Comments (1)

April 09, 2006

Milk, The Deadly Poison

Well, despite my heritage and ancestral dairy farming roots, we have discovered that the Bug has a nasty dairy allergy. She broke out in hives all over her face when we gave her cheese last night. A little Benadryl fixed the situation, but in talking to a friend with a dairy-allergic son, I made another connection I hadn't thought of. Lily has had pretty bad eczema on her arms and legs for a while, and it started up about the time I began eating dairy again. I knew she was sensitive to dairy in my breastmilk early on; she'd have bad gas and cramping if I even had a little ice cream, but it seemed to stop bothering her around 5-6 months. So, now it's no dairy for either of us for a while. Her next appointment with the pediatrician is this week, so we may get the blood test to check for other food allergies. It's not real accurate, but hopefully will at least offer some guidance.

Posted by mwashburn at 10:52 AM | Comments (0)

April 02, 2006

This One's for Patita

Sorry for the poor video quality...

Posted by mwashburn at 08:25 PM | Comments (2)

March 23, 2006

Good Morning!

Lily slept for seven hours straight last night!!! In her crib!! Hallelujia!

I realize that this is a complete fluke, and now that I've told people, it will never happen again, but I just feel so well rested today that I have to share. She did sleep through the night most of the time we were in New York, only to have that completely fall apart once we got home due to teething and her cold. But maybe, just maybe, we've taken another step in the direction of sleep improvement. I am just so happy.

My daughter has also discovered Elmo. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Nana exposed her during our trip to New York, and watching her bounce up and down and clap to the theme song "Elmo's World" is just too cute for me to deprive her for my own ideological reasons. I figure Sesame Street can't possibly be bad, even at this age, right? She also shows a particular preference for Oscar the Grouch, which I do thoroughly approve of. I understand that Elmo is a little kid, so he appeals to that age group, and he is educational and all, but why does his voice have to be so damn annoying? And I refuse to buy Elmo shoes, Elmo potty, tickle-me-Elmo, or any of those other themed accessories. We'll see what happens, I suppose.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:45 AM | Comments (4)

March 05, 2006

You Know You're A Bad Parent When...

You find string from the dog's rope bone in your daughter's diaper.

Posted by mwashburn at 10:12 PM | Comments (0)

February 09, 2006

The Ten Plagues of Motherhood

Everybody knows about the Ten Plagues of Egypt in the Bible. You know, frogs, boils, rivers of blood and whatnot. But I bet you didn't know about the Ten Plagues of Motherhood.

1. The plague of insomnia

Even if you are given the (admittedly rare) opportunity to sleep more than three hours at a time, your internal clock is so messed up that you wake up and can't fall back asleep anyway.

2. The plague of bad hair days

Your hair just isn't the same after the pregnancy hormones have had their way with it. Seriously.

3. The plague of Cheerios

Those things are EVERYWHERE. Everywhere. On the floor. Up your child's sleeves. In the couch cushions. In your hair. They cling like barnacles once softened with a little saliva.

4. The plague of teething

'Nuff said.

5. The plague of decaffeination

This is a somewhat self-imposed plague, for the sake of breastfeeding. But since I've become a breastfeeding nazi anyway, I suppose it's bad of me to complain about it. But I will. I miss my red eyes.

6. The plague of sobriety

See #5, above.

7. The plague of Raffi

You say you're never going to allow his music in your home. The next thing you know, you can't stop singing "Down By the Bay" at the top of your lungs, even when not in the presence of your child.

8. The plague of indifference to canines

You think your dog is REALLY smart. Really, really smart. Then you have a baby and realize how incredibly, monumentally stupid and irritating your dog is (though you still love her).

9. The plague of amnesia

Can't think of a word. Can't think of a name. Can't remember appointments. Can't figure out what day it is.

10. The plague of tardiness

No matter how punctual you once were, having a child ensures that you will Never Be On Time to Anything. Ever. Forget fashionably late, this is Why bother showing up at all late.

Will the curse of the Ten Plagues of Motherhood ever be lifted? Ask me when she's twelve.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:26 AM | Comments (2)

February 07, 2006

Why the Terrorists Have Already Won

I drove half an hour to the nearest mall today. And sat in the parking lot for an hour. Then drove the half an hour home. I kid you not. I had to go to extraordinary lengths today to make the Bug sleep. She's fussier than ever, and back to insomnia with a vengeance. I was a fool to think that last week's easy sleeping was going to last. My plan was to actually walk around inside the mall and see what stores they have there, since I've never been, but alas my plans were foiled. At least I had my knitting with me.

Every single thing I've done today has been accompanied by the "aaaaaAAAAAAAAAGHHHhhhhhhh" of a screaming baby. NOTHING makes her happy. Except eating tissues when I try to wipe her nose, and pulling either my hair or my earrings. It's pretty bad. Wait, listen... can you hear her now? I can. And in News of Other Household Creatures, Sophie has become some sort of vulture-like animal, skulking around constantly underfoot and ever-present at mealtime, waiting for Cheerios to rain down from on high like Manna from heaven. It's really irritating.

And did I mention that the Bug was up FIVE times the last two nights in a row? Five. One two three four five.

No, I'm not having a good day. Off to quell the screaming again.

Posted by mwashburn at 04:51 PM | Comments (1)

January 21, 2006

Random Mommy Stuff

The photo below is of the Bug's second week of water babies classes at the YMCA. She's been going every week with Daddy, and loves splashing around in the water. She's not learning to swim, per se, at this age, but getting comfortable in the water and getting some exercise. She always sleeps really well after class, falling asleep in the car on the way home.

The night time sleeping has, alas, been further complicated by her top two teeth coming in.

One nice side effect of being home so much is that I've been able to do a lot of advance planning for shopping and cooking, and my food processor has been the catalyst for a flurry of cooking. In the last week aside from preparing pureed stuff for the Bug, I've made butternut squash soup, fresh mango salsa, roasted catfish and vegetables, chocolate chip cookies, pizza dough, spinach lasagna, and cranberry orange scones. I'm having a blast and still eating like a hog, a wonderful side effect of breastfeeding.

Which brings me to my last thought for this post. I read the results of an interesting poll in Parenting magazine while pregnant. It asked readers whether they liked their bodies better before or after children. A surprising percentage said "after." I really couldn't figure out how you could like your body better after being all stretched out like that, stomach muscles shot, getting flabby from lack of time for exercise, etc. But now I understand. I am someone who has never been very comfortable with my body. The weight always seemed to be in the wrong place. Though I didn't particularly hate my small breasts, they seemed to keep my skinny upper body out of proportion with my wide hips and ample thighs.

Now that I've been through pregnancy and am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight, my body is completely different. Yes, I have a little stomach paunch left and my breasts will never be perky again, but my weight is distributed completely differently. I feel in balance. My rear is flatter, my chest wider and my curves gentler. I have kept a surprising amount of muscle tone, no doubt from lugging the equivalent of a 20-lb. medicine ball around with me everywhere. Keeps the triceps and the legs (from squatting and walking up stairs) nicely toned. I don't mention all this by way of bragging; it's just that having a child has done so many positive things for me, and this is just one more. I thought having a child would bring so many compromises to my life, yet in certain ways it has completed my life and made me more fully myself. Now off to settle a crying baby to sleep.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:23 PM | Comments (1)

January 06, 2006

$100 an Hour for THIS??

Well, I saw the new shrink for the second time today. She's actually a Psychologist, not a Therapist or Psychiatrist, and was recommended to me by the nurse practitioner who so gleefuly handed out Zoloft to me like so much penny candy. I've decided I'm not going back. She's useless. Nice, but useless. At the first appointment, she handed me a catalog for motivational audiocassettes, and today her advice basically consisted of "when you're frustrated at 3am because Lily has been screaming for an hour and you just want to yell 'SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE HELL UP,' try to replace those thoughts and words with some more positive ones." Well duh. I miss my old therapist. Well, the upshot of today's visit was that I was given permission to give up cloth diapers without guilt. Who needs all that laundry when they're dealing with depression? Planet be damned, I have issues.

Posted by mwashburn at 07:39 PM | Comments (0)

December 18, 2005

My Early Christmas Present

Today was our family Christmas, since we are leaving town on Tuesday. Most of the gifts were for Lily from her grandparents and aunts and uncles. She got some really nice stuff, including the Fisher-Price Peek-a-Blocks shape sorter. She's already figured out about putting blocks in it and taking them out again. Adam and I got a food processor and a gorgeous red and gold satin quilt that my stepmother made, among other things.

However, the best thing happened this morning too. At 9:15 I finished nursing Lily, carried her upstairs and sat in the rocking chair with her. She fussed a little, then rested her head on my shoulder, at which point I put her in her crib. She lay there for a couple of minutes, yawned, closed her eyes, and went to sleep. No crying. This is the closest she's ever come to "falling asleep on her own." Granted, she woke up half an hour later and had to be encouraged to go back to sleep, but still no crying and her total nap time was about 90 minutes. I'm thrilled. I realize it may have been a fluke, but she also went to bed in her crib last night with very little fuss. She still wakes up several times during the night to nurse, but in general the trend has been towards easier going to sleep. I really don't mind getting up a lot, it was the crying that was really driving me crazy. And I know travel and teething are likely to upset things once again, but just to feel that we're making progress is a wonderful thing, and very good for my sanity.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:20 AM | Comments (0)

December 12, 2005

The Toughest Job You'll Ever Love (Happy Half Birthday)

Remember those US Armed Services commercials that called it "the toughest job you'll ever love?" I think that title goes more fittingly to parethood.

Lily turned six months old today. It's hard to believe the time is going by so fast. She's sitting up on her own, using that opposable thumb, sprouting teeth, eating bananas, and experimenting with all kinds of sounds that I know will soon become her first words. She's quick to smile, and loves silliness. She still doesn't nap well or sleep well at night, but she calmly lets us clip her nails and brush her teeth. She loves Sophie, chewing on the tags of her stuffed toys, and anything Mama is holding. She hoots and lunges for the mail when I sit down to open it in the afternoon, and loves riding in the grocery cart at the store.

This has been the most trying time in my life, but I look in those little blue eyes and I don't want my old life back. The physical changes, the lack of social life, the depression, it's all worth it. We go through life and we love our family, friends, lovers, spouse, but nothing prepared me for the kind of love I'd feel for my child. She is me, in so many ways. My life has become secondary. But it just breaks my heart to know that I can't make the world as perfect as it should be for her. To know that she's going to know pain, and suffering, and disappointment. I realize objectively that these things go along with laughter and joy and love, and make us who we are, but in a way my child is a second chance at my own innocence. I want to protect her from all the bad things that have happened in my own life, but I know that I can't. So for now I'll just savor those sweet moments when she looks up at me, touches her hand to my cheek, and gazes into my eyes with her pure, contented half-smile.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:58 AM | Comments (1)

December 06, 2005

...in which I complain endlessly about being sick and not sleeping

Well, the Bug is once again proving that she is far more resilient (and pestilence-resistant) than I. In the past week I have been afflicted with the stomach flu, pink eye, plugged milk ducts, and some sort of sinus-throat-respiratory creeping ick. I probably should see a doctor, but just haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm waiting to see if this is just viral and will pass. In the meantime, Lily continues to be healthy as a horse, overcoming pink eye in about two days and not bothering with any of the rest of these diseases. She is not really helping my immune system by wanting to nurse all night every night though.

But, in the good news column, I said Damn the Microbes and headed to Trader Joe's in Orland Park with a friend this morning. A good time (and Wasabi mustard and holiday coffee) was had by all.

Posted by mwashburn at 04:11 PM | Comments (1)

November 16, 2005

Does my Daughter Work for the CIA?

My typical evening:

7:00 pm Put on nighttime diapers and pajamas
7:15 pm nurse Lily
7:30 pm read a story
7:40 pm lay down next to Lily and soothe her to sleep
7:45 pm put Lily in pack-n-play

8:30 pm Lily wakes up crying. Settle her back to sleep by rocking in the chair
9:30 pm Lily wakes up crying. Settle her back to sleep by nursing
11:00 pm Lily wakes up crying. Settle her back to sleep by rolling her on her side and patting her back
12:30 pm Lily wakes up crying. Bring her to bed and nurse her back to sleep
2:00 am Lily wakes up crying. Settle her back to sleep by rolling her on her side and patting her back
4:00 am Lily wakes up crying. Settle her back to sleep by rolling her on her side and/or nursing
6:00 am up for the day

And forget naps. I feel like I'm going insane from lack of sleep and inability to do anything around the house during nap times. And the horrible part is that I hear from other parents that some kids just ARE this way until they're like two. Some grow out of it earlier. I have tried everything. The Baby Whisperer's routine. The No-cry Sleep Solution routine. Nothing works. (And I refuse to Ferberize-- it's supposed to be for babies over 6 months, to begin with, and second of all I think it's cruel, doesn't work for all babies, and there is now research to indicate that it can lead to other behavior problems especially if done early).

So my only conclusion is that Lily is trying to get something out of me by using the technique the CIA euphemistically refers to as "Sleep schedule adjustment." I'm not sure what she wants to know, but I'll tell her as soon as I figure it out.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:09 AM | Comments (4)

November 09, 2005

Call Me Chopper

Someone sprouted her first tooth today! She's been such a trooper. I was pretty surprised, because she's been in a really happy mood all week. No fever or crankiness. I'm sure that will come when she's got four coming through all at once.

Things are still going well. I've started doing more cooking, which has been great and definitely indicates a lift in my spirits. I made cinnamon bread last Friday, then made French toast with it on Sunday. I also cooked a ginger pork tenderloin on Sunday night, and have plans for pumpkin bread and chocolate chip cookies at some point. I'm also really excited because I'm starting a meat buying club with some other moms- I found a packing company that sells all local, grain-fed meats at really good prices, but you have to buy like a quarter of a cow at once. Thanks, but I just can't eat that much beef myself. I also found out through one of the La Leche League leaders that there is a food co-op in town like the one I belonged to in Illinois. All very good news. Cafe Altura Decaf Sumatra coffee, I shall drink thee again!

All this amounts to a complete lack of profundity, I suppose, but I just find it really great to be in better spirits and be building an actual social life. I continue to meet moms who think about more than what's on sale at Target, which really makes me feel less alone out here.

Posted by mwashburn at 03:17 PM | Comments (4)

November 02, 2005

How it Goes with Us

Well, Halloween was a bust. It rained, and we had all of one visitor. I did swing by Barnes and Noble yesterday, though, and scored some half price truffles, as well as a pumpkin spice latte.

My mental state is still a bit up and down. I'm not as anxious and angry as I was a couple of weeks ago, but I'm still pretty blue. I feel like I'm constantly moving through a sort of syrupy fog. It takes me a long time to do anything and I'm still prone to bouts of frustrated crying. I was feeling better over the weekend, leading me to think "gee, maybe I wasn't depressed after all," but they tell me it's probably the Zoloft kicking in and the worst thing I can do is stop taking it.

We're working on finding babysitters, though I still don't know if I can trust a stranger with the Bug. We'll have to see. Anxiety over something happening to her is part of this whole thing, but at the same time, a break would be good for my mental health. We're still dealing with sleep issues (and probably will be forever, pretty much). I think the time change kind of messed everyone up, though it does seem that some sort of pattern is emerging.

The good news is that our holiday plans are all set. Sorry to disappoint those of you who may have been waiting for a Thanksgiving invite. The annual kick-ass Thanksgiving hoopla will not be happening this year, as we are headed to New York to see family. The Bug and I will be spending two weeks with Nana at Christmas time, which will be wonderful, since Nana hasn't seen her since she was two weeks old. I think all that family time will be really good for me too, and after I return, it's the new year. I plan to get serious about finding freelance work, among other things.

That's about all the news that's fit to print at the moment.

Posted by mwashburn at 10:58 AM | Comments (2)

October 26, 2005

Zoloft Nation

We watched Prozac Nation the other night, and the movie was just as dull as I remember the book being, but the thing that stuck with me was the main character's paraphrased quote about depression-- that it happens gradually, then all at once. That's how it's been for me. It was like I went for a walk in the snow, and it got deeper and deeper until I was hip-deep in drifts, struggling to move. I realized last week, after nearly throwing the high chair tray across the dining room and sitting sobbing on the bathroom floor that something is very wrong. I finally said out loud what I've said silently to myself many, many times in the last two months: "I need some help."

Postpartum depression is a medical condition, but it doesn't get treated because it feels like a personal failing. I did everything I was supposed to do. I eat right, I exercise. I get out for walks. I have been joining groups, meeting people, socializing. But it didn't stop the walls from closing in on me; the ache of missing friends and family, the irrational anger and frustration, the bouts of crying, the feeling of being trapped, of being not me, of being a terrible mother. It's so hard to admit, when you have this beautiful baby and everyone is smiling at her, that things are not ok, that you can't get over it on your own. People told me that things would get easier when she was 3 months old. Three months came and went, and though some aspects were easier, my lows were lower. "Oh, at four months you'll feel like yourself again." Four months came and went, and now I just want to sleep all day and I just wait for Adam to get home, count the days to the weekend when I can have a break. I don't have the energy to keep pretending everything is ok any more.

I start seeing a therapist in two weeks. In the meantime, I've started taking Zoloft. I have always felt that antidepressants are probably overprescribed, and am still terrified of taking them. But if it helps me get up in the morning and be there for Lily now, not in two months or six months, or whatever, I'm willing to do it because she's worth it.

Why write about this in such a public forum? Well, first of all, I have never been the kind of person who can lie to her friends when they ask "how are you?" so most of you were probably gonna hear about this anyway, and I need your friendship more than ever. Second, as other brave women like Heather Armstrong and Brooke Shields have shown, motherhood is hard, underappreciated, and undersupported in our culture. Postpartum depression can happen to anyone, and it's not a personal failing, not a weakness, and nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, I'm still trying to convince myself of all this. I'll keep you posted.

Posted by mwashburn at 12:09 PM | Comments (4)