October 26, 2005

Houston, We Have Feet!

Lily has discovered the existence of her feet, and is now endlessly entertained by them, especially if there are socks to pull off. It just makes changing a diaper difficult when your baby has the cuffs of her pants in her mouth. It's also alarming when your baby is exactly 90 degrees from where you set her down. She's learned this odd scissor kick thing. But she's also started giving cuddly little proto-hugs, and that just makes my day.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:26 AM | Comments (1)

October 13, 2005

That Aunt Molly is a Bad Influence

"I did WHAT last night?"

Posted by mwashburn at 09:08 AM | Comments (3)

September 29, 2005

She'll Pay Me Back for This Someday, I'm Sure

Yes, I am treating the Bug as my own personal dress up doll. Baby + eBay Addiction = FUN!

My little punk rock girl. (Oh yeah, thanks Jamie R for the monkey shoes.) Well, one of us has to look good. Considering that my hair is falling out, my stomach will never be the same, and I'm lucky if I have time to shave both legs, it isn't my week to look hip. The good news is I'm back into my pre-pregnancy jeans and not my pre-pregnancy shirts.

Unfortunately, the Bug is suffering either from her first cold or from really bad teething symptoms. We saw the doctor today, because she woke up with a 101.4 degree fever this morning. A side effect of being at the pediatrician's office was finding out that my little dumpling is now well over 17 lbs. The average one year old weighs 20 lbs, I'm told, so she's HUGE. It's gotta be Adam's side of the family, because my people just aren't that big.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:46 PM | Comments (4)

September 21, 2005

Guest Post by Lily

mn ,m i................... imiom,kkkkkkkkkkk klllllllllllll mmmmmm vb bv bb

Posted by mwashburn at 05:02 PM | Comments (2)

Famous Women who have Breastfeed

http://www.breastfeeding.org/bfacts/famous.html

Posted by mwashburn at 01:04 PM | Comments (1)

September 12, 2005

Three Months Old Today!

Things we are doing:

-holding our head up
-smiling and babbling
-sleeping through the night
-grabbing things
-sucking our thumb
-crying real tears
-killing our poor Mother

Things we are not doing:

-napping
-rolling over
-solving the New York Times Sunday crossword

Posted by mwashburn at 09:17 PM | Comments (3)

August 25, 2005

Ungrateful Kids...

So Adam and I decided we'd forget about doing work or exercising tonight, and headed out for a nice dinner at the little cafe in our neighborhood, Lilybug in tow. We were sitting in a quiet corner, enjoying our panini and soup. Lily was being a little angel. Ahhhh, so good to be out in the world, talking of adult things. Suddenly, my lap felt warm. I figured it was the usual warm sensation that spreads through a diaper when our dear little one pees. I look down, and there is BABY POOP oozing out of her diaper on both sides and into my lap, down my leg, and onto the chair. Thank God I wasn't by myself. It took ten minutes of careful maneuvering to get the diaper bag, get me cleaned up, remove her clothes, and hermetically seal all contaminated materials. It's kind of like defusing a bomb. We had to finish our coffee quick and head home to finish decontaminating. I swear that stuff is like napalm. You can't wipe it off, it just sticks to everything. But at least now my worst baby nightmare has been realized and lived through with relatively little emotional scarring.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:48 PM | Comments (0)

Superbaby

I'm in complete shock, because Lily is turning out to be some sort of monsterbaby. She was a healthy but not unusual 7 lbs 12 oz at birth. At 10 weeks, she's now at 14 lbs 8 oz, placing her above the 97th percentile for weight at this age. She must take after Adam's side of the family. Maybe she'll be a basketball player. Or an ogre.

The other side effect of taking her for her "well baby" visit yesterday was that I was once again confronted with the fact that most of the medical establishment isn't really interested in getting to know you, your health/lifestyle, or your particular needs, but rather in processing as many patients as possible, towing the party line, and making blanket recommendations based on the most at-risk individuals. I was told that I need to be supplementing Lily with Vitamin D, since I am breastfeeding; nevermind the fact that dark-skinned babies in geographic areas where they receive little sun are the only populations for whom rickets is a significant risk. Though the AAP recently revised their policy statement on breastfeeding to recommend universal Vitamin D supplementation, again it is without regard for who is at risk and who is not. Lily's previous doctor (who I *loved*) didn't feel it was necessary, and I don't think I know any breastfeeding moms who supplement. The only reason I'd consider it is if I found out that our proximity to Chicago meant high enough smog levels to block sunlight (urban populations are more at risk for this reason).

La Leche League's stance on the subject

I also found this article, looking at both sides of the issue.

So, a doctor's job is to minimize risk and their own exposure to litigation, but if I am an informed parent who takes responsibility for my child's health, why should I be urged to give my child any supplement or medication that she doesn't need? I guess what irks me is that the doc can't first go through assesing our particular risk and talking about what I can be doing to have a healthy baby, rather than trying to fix what ain't broke (so to speak) with pharmaceuticals.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:39 AM | Comments (3)

August 22, 2005

The How and the Why

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have been avoiding my blog because my head is so wrapped up in Lily that I haven't really been thinking too hard on the rest of the universe. I know this will change with time, and I am still aware that there's a world out there, but what I've decided is that I need to quit apologizing for where my head is at right now. I didn't want to have a blog about motherhood, but it's too much a part of who I am right now for me to just ignore it. I still have all these stupid ideas in my head about how motherhood makes one a less interesting person, diverts energy from what's truly important, etc. etc., but as one of my good friends pointed out, there is already plenty of guilt to go around for mothers without adding more to the pile.

All that being said, I wanted to share the story of my journey to motherhood. Some of you who know me know most of this, but I think going back through it will help me stop apologizing for it. I never wanted kids. I wasn't one of those little girls who played house, always rocking a little baby doll while kissing my "husband" goodbye. I often role-played male characters. My brother and I were Batman and Robin, wild animals in the forest, or two fix-it-guys (it was a wonder we never stuck a screwdriver in an electrical outlet, though we did dismantle an old adding machine once, and people are probably still finding parts in my father's old apartment...) I went through school, first as the "smart girl" then as "the artist." I was going to do something Important with my life.

I went to college, and met The Guy. An art degree didn't afford a lot of immediate opportunity and I didn't know where I wanted to go, so after graduation I tagged along while my Guy got his graduate degree. We got married. We partied. We made money. We had a hell of a lot of fun. We insisted we were never having children.

Time passed. I approached the age of 30 and suddenly I had this very real, very physical desire to have a child. It was kind of scary, but kind of exciting. I never believed that biology was destiny, or in the Biological Clock, but here it was. I also felt that I wanted the experience. I've tried a lot of things in my life, and am always open to new experiences, though Motherhood is one that you can't just decide not to do again if you don't like it. In many ways I felt (and still feel) totally unprepared for motherhood, not having had all those years to work up to it.

Childbirth is something the childless take for granted. For me, it was the most empowering, intense experience I have ever been through. Creating life is the stuff of myth and magic, and it is a much more profound undertaking than I ever knew or acknowledged.

Now that Lily is here, I still have moments where I mourn who I was, and don't quite feel comfortable in my new skin. I freeze when people ask me "what I do," since I have chosen not to work outside the home for the time being. I always follow "staying home with Lily" with a "but..." I am pursuing freelance design work because I enjoy it, not because I feel I have to, and I still feel I need to be recognized as a creative individual for whom motherhood is just one aspect. I was not in a "career" mode due to our moving around anyway, so I didn't have anything to go back to. I want to enjoy these few short years of babyhood and give Lily as much of myself as I can. Motherhood seems to be the extremes of selfishness and selflessness. I still have terribly mixed feelings about motherhood and about my choices, and I wish we lived in a society where I didn't believe the hype and feel somehow lesser as an individual or intellectual because of choosing to have a child. I want to revel in it right now, knowing that it is a temporary state (not being a mother, but being totally engulfed by motherhood). Pregnancy, while not enjoyable for me, was fascinating. Childbirth needs knowledgeable, empowered women to speak up and take their births back from the medical establishment. Motherhood needs us to be involved, instinctual, and interested.

The bottom line is, when I look at Lily and she smiles at me, I know that I made the right choice and that nothing else matters. I get to share my life with this new little person, which is absolutely terrifying and absolutely the most sublime thing in the universe, all at once. It is what it is, and is not a judgement or indictment of anything anyone else has chosen to do. I couldn't possibly have explained all this to myself before I was a mother, nor could I have convinced the younger me that it has immense value. And in the long view, it is just a brief period in my life; however it is a very intense one in which I need to be totally absorbed, without apology and without regret.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:11 AM | Comments (0)

July 22, 2005

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Pregnancy and Postpartum are a weird, weird thing. I'm still carrying around some extra weight (well, duh), but it's rapidly going away all on its own. Breastfeeding is great for that-- you actually burn more calories breastfeeding than being pregnant; to the tune of an extra 500 or so a day. However, I'm too small for my maternity clothes, but too big for virtually everything I wore pre-pregnancy. It's a little frustrating and tends to add to feelings of unattractiveness. I bought a couple of pairs of "fat pants" at Target a few weeks ago, and they're great and comfortable, but today I notice that they're starting to hang off me a little bit. But I'm still not able to zip up my old jeans. THIS is why moms hang out in sweatpants all day, no doubt. I'm not willing to invest in a wardrobe I'll only be in for six months. Maybe it's time to hit Goodwill again. One thing that isn't going to be the same for quite a while is my t-shirt size. Now that I'm breastfeeding, there's no way on Gods Green Earth I'm going to fit in all those cute little t-shirts I wore as a childless, flat-chested woman. You would not believe the size of my breasts. No really, you wouldn't.

Posted by mwashburn at 03:50 PM | Comments (2)

July 07, 2005

She may have been born inthe Midwest...

But she knows her roots (thanks Nana!)

(OK, so I lied about posting baby photos. Can't help myself)

Posted by mwashburn at 12:54 PM | Comments (3)

July 03, 2005

Happy 3 Week Birthday!

Happy Birthday Lilybug!!! As of Friday, the Bug was up to 9 lbs. 6 oz., so growing like a weed. She's already holding her head up for about 10 seconds at a time, and I can *almost* see a smile cross her face once in a while.

(We love you sweetie, even though you usually look more like this:)

Posted by mwashburn at 07:43 AM | Comments (2)

June 21, 2005

Your Amazing Newborn

All the books fail to tell you that your newborn is capable of pooping on her own socks. Huh.

Posted by mwashburn at 10:46 AM | Comments (6)

June 15, 2005

She's Here!

Lilith Ann
Born 6/12/05
3:04 pm
7 lbs, 12 oz
20 1/2"

Lily is doing very well, though it's going to take a little time for her and Mommy to get used to each other. Her favorite color is red, and she seems to already dislike Tom Waits. She would like to thank Daddy, Nana, Sue "Suela" Osborne, midwives Kathy and Lori, and nurse Jen for helping Mommy to bring her into the world.

Birth story coming soon...

Posted by mwashburn at 05:21 PM | Comments (10)

June 11, 2005

To Barbara Walters and other like-minded individuals

So looking at this

every day, or perhaps this

(from Blender)

doesn't phase you, but sitting next to this

on an airplane or a park bench makes you UNCOMFORTABLE? Well I'm sorry that push up bra titties in your face on nubile young women are just fine, but putting breasts to their intended use is somehow an unsettling act of in-your-face activism that is unpalatable in public. We really, really need to get over this as a society.

I'm going to go and have this baby now, and breastfeed her wherever I damn well please. Get over it. It's the law.

Posted by mwashburn at 04:31 PM | Comments (3)

June 08, 2005

A Watched Pot Never Boils

Yes, you read right. 40 weeks and 8 days pregnant. I'm not "late". She's right on time for when she needs to be born, ok? First pregnancies for women of European descent are, on average, 9 days over 40 weeks.

I am going into seclusion for a bit, to spend a last few days in peace with Adam and my mom. I appreciate all the well-meaning phone calls and emails, but jeez, don't you think that we'd either let you know if something had happened, or we're too busy at the moment to talk to you and will get in touch as soon as we can? So please don't be offended if I don't answer the phone or answer email for a few days (well, my computer is back in the shop and Adam needs his laptop, so that one's a no-brainer). I still love you all, I just can't take the pressure of others' expectations right now. I'll give birth when Lilybug and I are damn good and ready. Thanks.

Posted by mwashburn at 07:13 AM | Comments (3)

June 05, 2005

I Can Think of Only One Reason to Wash Dishes at 1:30 in the Morning

OK, well two, but the relevant one here is that I think I'm actually in labor for real. I've been joking all week that the Lilybug was just waiting for her Nana to get here. She got here at 5:30 pm, we had a nice dinner, and then after dinner the contractions started. I lay awake for three hours, and finally got up and started milling around doing things. The contractions are just bad enough and just often enough that I can't sleep. I really hope this is it. Will keep you all posted...

Posted by mwashburn at 01:41 AM | Comments (3)

June 01, 2005

If I Weren't Pregnant I'd Go Out And Get Drunk Tonight

It's just that kind of week. Nothing a little tequila couldn't make better. My cervix has done *nothing*, despite the fact that I've been having lots of contractions for almost a week. Stupid lazy thing needs to get off its ass and do some work.

After the sudden illness of my computer yesterday, things seem pretty bleak. I woke up this morning to the realization that the workers re-caulking the apartment windows had moved far on down the street and still had not cleaned up all the caulk they left in the shrubs out front, on the ground in front of the picture window, and on our back patio. I called the office and asked if they planned to return to clean up. I was told they'd get on it right away, but that I was the first they'd heard of a problem. I guess my neighbors are all such animals that they don't *care* what kind of crap is heaped outside their apartments. Hell, most of them add to the fun by not picking up after their dogs, and caulk smells better, so... and this all after Adam and I spent part of Saturday morning raking up clippings from the butchered (and I mean butchered) hedges out front. I should have swept up the caulk too, and sent the office a bill for my services.

So, it could be that the Lilybug is just waiting for her Nana to get moving with this whole birth thing (Nana arrives on Saturday). I guess I'll just make lots of plans for the next few days, and hope that does the trick. I guess all this free time was too much for my body to bother taking advantage of.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, for a speedy computer recovery, and a speedy and imminent birth.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:59 AM | Comments (10)

May 28, 2005

No baby yet, so quit asking

It is now 3:15 pm, Central Time, and we have not gone into labor yet (Lily and me, that is... I don't think Adam will be joining us in that particular physiological phenomenon, though he'll have to put up with us through it...). No one seems to want to know about what I'm reading, what I'm eating, or what's annoying me right now, so I'll just stick to the baby update.

I was having fairly regular, extremely mild contractions on Thursday, spaced anywhere from 10-30 minutes apart. I really thought it might be the start of something, but, around bed time they tapered off and stopped. Friday was a day of fairly random, short-lived contractions more of the Braxton-Hicks variety. Today they've been stronger, but much more random. WE JUST DON'T KNOW, OK?

So, Adam and I went to the farmers market this morning and got some lovely fresh spring salad greens, had a nice lunch outside at our favorite bar/restaurant, and have spent the rest of the afternoon napping. I have no real plans for the rest of the weekend, except keeping ridiculously on top of housework and avoiding the television. Somehow I am officialy sick and tired of Law & Order. I thought it could never happen, but it did.

Posted by mwashburn at 03:15 PM | Comments (1)

May 19, 2005

Things are progressing

Posted by mwashburn at 09:04 AM | Comments (5)

May 12, 2005

This Means Something, Doesn't It?

Even though I overslept a little this morning, before I could leave the house I had to get on my hands and knees and wipe out the cabinet under the sink. 'Cause, you know, it was dirty under there. And I bleached the dish drainer. And noticed that most of my silver jewelry is awfully tarnished... and if only I had time to wipe down the shelves in the pantry. Oh, and I have to buy ingredients to bake and freeze a couple dozen muffins this weekend.

Posted by mwashburn at 07:31 AM | Comments (4)

May 08, 2005

My first Mother's Day

I know I'm not usually in the habit of posting photos of myself here, but this one was too cute not to share.

Sophie has become super-protective of me. She's always been more wary of strangers near our apartment when we're, say, out after dark. But, lately she just goes ballistic at anyone in or around the house if I'm home alone. Adam says she isn't that way with him at all. It's kind of cute, if annoying. She almost went through the screen door at some kids in the courtyard yesterday. I feel bad yelling at her, when she does it because she knows I'm too fat to fend for myself right now.

I'm hoping that this bodes well for her attitude towards the baby. I know some people who have had to get rid of their beloved canines when the baby arrived, and others who have dogs who patrol the nursery protectively. I really think Sophie will do the latter. She's not terribly territorial, is a good judge of character, and seems to have room in her loyal little heart for anyone we consider family. I love my dog.

So today is Mother's Day. I scored a Target gift card from my mom, a gift certificate for a pregnancy massage and a cool baby book from Adam, and a card from my sister-in-law. Although on the one hand I realize I have the rest of my life to celebrate Mother's Day, it was really really sweet to be thought of. Adam and I didn't celebrate, exactly, but we did go out for a nice brunch at one of our favorite restaurants and caught a matinee. I highly recommend "Crash," but be warned, if you're pregnant or otherwise emotional, you may sob through the entire thing.

Posted by mwashburn at 05:07 PM | Comments (1)

May 06, 2005

Huh, who knew

Don't expect excitement from this post, people. I'm supposed to be cleaning out closets. It's time to put away the sweaters and get out those cute little summer t-shirts that I can't wear. Even after I give birth, my enormous, leaking breasts are not going to allow me to wear the cutesly little t-shirts the flat-chested flygrrl favored. Sigh. After getting 3/4 done with this thankless task, it occurs to me that I own ENTIRELY TOO MUCH CLOTHING. Seriously. So I shop at thrift stores a lot. All that means is that I have 10x the amount of clothing than if I paid full price.

With the closet cleaning, the Nesting Space comes nearer to completion... I got a really nice bunch of baby clothes from my aunt and great aunt via UPS today (Sophie still hates the UPS man, but that's her problem.) It struck me today that preparing for a newborn is strange. I have no idea what sort of person she's going to be. Will she be fussy? Happy? Easy going? Independent? A light sleeper? A cuddler?

You spend months invested in preparations for someone you don't know the first thing about. It's like cooking an elaborate meal and setting the table, knowing that someone is coming for dinner but having no idea who the guest will be. Does he/she like fish? Hate red peppers? Heck, not just coming for dinner, but coming to live with you for the next 18 years.

Posted by mwashburn at 01:47 PM | Comments (1)

May 05, 2005

So Tired of Looking Like...

Hopefully I'll have this baby before I start demolishing buildings with bubbles that shoot out of my ass...

Posted by mwashburn at 08:09 AM | Comments (4)

May 03, 2005

Motherhood, Here I Come!

Last night A proved once again that he deserves the title of World's Best Husband. He gave me an early Mothers Day present—a gift certificate for a pregnancy massage at the place in town. First of all it was really really touching to get a Mothers Day present; it's sort of sinking in that yeah, I can almost officially call myself a Mother. Sweet that he acknowledged it, and absolutely heavenly that my back will get some TLC.

I also spent last night having strange dreams about being in labor. I think I was having contractions in my sleep (I woke up during one), and although I am definitely having more, and an uncomfortable one now and then, they're still mostly the sporadic Braxton-Hicks ones. I also spent last evening with three other pregnant women, so I guess labor was on my mind.

In my dream, I was hanging out with Adam, my mother, my brother Mike, my Grandmother (who has not been with us for four years), and my friend Emily from Boston and her band. We were all at the hospital, which felt more like a hotel lobby, and I was just in and out of sleep, having contractions, having the nurse check on me, etc. It was all very calm and relaxed and cheerful, although I kept trying to figure out if we had time to drive home to get my suitcase. Somehow we had ended up there without my "stuff." I guess that relates to my anxiety about not knowing where or when I'll go into labor, or how long it will last. Most people have a lot of warning, but some have very speedy labors. Speedy labor would be nice, but only if I'm prepared (ha!)

Posted by mwashburn at 09:19 AM | Comments (2)

April 18, 2005

Major Whine

It has finally gotten to "that point." My life now consists of constant discomfort. Heartburn. Backache. Stabbing pains in the pelvic area when standing or walking. Sleeplessness. And now, the Eternal Splitting Headache brought on by allergies. Oh! And I almost forgot the sharp bladder pains whenever the baby stretches. The ones where I think I'm going to pee my pants.

I'm pretty sure she has dropped, meaning I *could* conceivably have her a little bit early. Don't count on it, I'm told.

In the good news (almost) column, I got my car fixed. It cost me $600 (needed a new distributor), but it is running like new and should give me no more problems for a while (knock on wood). I am treating myself to an expensive haircut/color this Friday. I'm broke, but dammit, I deserve it. I'll have precious little time and money for such things after the baby is here, so damn the torpedoes.

And there are all kinds of Important and Infuriating things going on in the world, still; I just haven't the energy to comment intelligently upon them. But I'll try and keep you posted.

Posted by mwashburn at 03:43 PM | Comments (2)

April 13, 2005

I no longer have to worry about being the worst mother ever

Britney Spears is expecting.

Posted by mwashburn at 04:53 PM | Comments (1)

April 05, 2005

I'm not having a Monster Baby!

I had my 32 week sonogram yesterday. Everything looks great, Lily is still a girl, and my placenta is where it should be. The guesstimate at birth weight right now is around 7 lbs. 6 oz. I'm just relieved that I'm unlikely to have a 12lb. baby. I guess we knew that, though.

She did *not* like the sonogram and all the poking and prodding. Well, they had to tip me backwards in the chair to see her head clearly, as she's got her head buried pretty far down. So, due to the blood and oxygen restrictions from that position, I just about passed out and had to be rolled onto my side to recover. Not nice. And Lily spent the rest of the day cowering in my pelvis, making walking uncomfortable and squishing my bladder flat as a pancake. I can't say I blame her.

That's about all the news. Here's a picture of her face. Just like the Shroud of Turin, but for real!

Posted by mwashburn at 09:38 AM | Comments (2)

March 22, 2005

30 Weeks!

How I'm supposed to feel about myself:

How I actually feel about myself:

Posted by mwashburn at 08:35 AM | Comments (2)

March 13, 2005

Grrr...

I am seven months pregnant, and I am NOT getting out of your way.

The grocery store was pure torture today. I move slowly, my back hurts, I am cranky, and I take up a lot of space. So don't hit me in the heels with your grocery cart, stare at me instead of saying "excuse me", or expect me to squeeze by you when you and your fat family are taking up 3/4 of the aisle deliberating over which canned soup to stock up on this week. Thanks.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:49 PM | Comments (1)

March 09, 2005

Drive-By Mommies

Boy, if this isn't a circular entry, I don't know what is. There was a great entry today on dooce.com about a horrible, horrible email that she received and her wonderful response to it. She refers to the phenomenon of "drive-by mothering," the topic of a long and interesting thread on a couple of other notable mommy blogs.

I guess what it comes down to is that we don't cease to be individuals because we have children. We don't start becoming public property. We do become something different than we were before, but that something different includes what we were before. I guess some of your choices just become a lot more public when you become a mother, but our culture has enough issues with women and a big enough dearth of support for mothers without so much judgement going on. It is true that pregnancy and motherhood feels so much different, more personal, than so many other choices we make, so it is ironic that it is so ripe for public commentary. At the same time, it makes it so much easier for us to feel that choices different than ours are somehow fraught with judgement about our own choices. But if we weren't made to fear being labeled a "bad" mother, other choices might not feel so threatening.

I just want to thank all of the women in my life who have been so supportive so far of my choices. My mother, my friends, the other pregnant women I know, who have told me that I can do it, that I can have a natural childbirth, that it's ok that I'm doing it in the hospital, that it's ok that I'm not doing it the way that they did it, that I will be a good mother. Thank you.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:01 AM | Comments (1)

March 07, 2005

They Tell Me This is Normal

I had read all about how pregnant women have strange dreams, and I think that my dreams aren't really any stranger now than they were before, just more vivid and more focused on the topic of babies and childbirth. My latest recurring dream (does twice count as recurring?) is about giving birth to dogs. Well, dog. Not puppies, but a single, full-grown dog. The one last night had me somehow skipping part of labor and feeling disappointed, but I had some sort of Australian Shepherd to show for it. There was other stuff going on, but somehow I don't quite remember it. I also think that I had a c-section on top of some sort of water tower.

Which brings me to my next topic- my little c-section breakthrough. I have been unreasonably terrified of c-section up until now. I can't watch a sitcom where someone has one without bursting into tears. One of the midwives last week basically totally blew me off about it, probably assuming that I was one of those women with the Perfect Birth fetish who will feel a failure as a woman if she doesn't have a completely natural childbirth and textbook labor. That's not it at all. My first priority is having a healthy baby. I am simply very frightened of being cut open, and of how recovery will affect me and my ability to care for a child. After steaming for a few hours about how the midwife treated me ("If you're afraid of a section and you don't deal with it, you WILL end up having a section"), I stumbled onto the problem.

I had an appendectomy when I was 13. They didn't know what was wrong with me, though they suspected appendicitis. I was taken to the emergency room, and before I knew it, I was prepped for surgery and woke up 7 hours later groggy, in shock, with a 5-inch incision in my abdomen. They had done exploratory surgery, hence I have a larger, vertical scar rather than the usual tiny appendectomy one. My recovery seemed like it took FOREVER and I remember feeling very helpless and frustrated. When you're 13, ten weeks is an entire summer vacation and feels like an eternity.

Now that I went through remembering that whole thing, I realized that my vision of c-section and the feelings of recovery look an awful lot like that. But it wouldn't be like that at all. So, I actually saw a video in a birth class that included a c-section on Saturday, and I didn't get upset. I still don't like the idea, but I think know that I at least can get my hands around what's bugging me, maybe I'll be ok.

Posted by mwashburn at 10:49 AM | Comments (2)

February 23, 2005

Commence Third Trimester

Latin for "These pants no longer fit you."

"Oh, and neither does that jacket."

Posted by mwashburn at 08:32 AM | Comments (4)

February 13, 2005

If You Think Drugs are Surreal...

Try birth class. Granted, we are taking the hippie birth class with a doula, but yesterday we saw the strangest thing I think I've ever witnessed in my life. It was a video by Pam England, who wrote "Birthing from Within," on the pros and cons of epidurals.

It was called The Elk and the Epidural, and it follows the adventures of a fictional elk, who is having her first baby. Somehow the makers of the video felt that showing real women with real needles in their spines would be too threatening for us gentle Mamas, and thought the image of the Elk Spirit would soothe us. I laughed through the whole thing. I hope it wasn't rude, but really... it was utterly ridiculous. Seeing a bad color illustration (think of that PBS show where the woman would draw illustrations of the story she was telling, in colored chalk) of an elk strapped to a gurney with a catheter, is just too much for a Saturday morning.

However, there was a lot of good, factual information about epidural and narcotic pain relief during labor. I am now more convinced than ever that I want neither. I know complications can and do occur in childbirth, but I also feel like if any woman on the planet has ever given birth without drugs, I can do it too.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:47 AM | Comments (4)

February 08, 2005

Being a Man

Being a man means never having to hear a midwife tell you that your abdominal wall is separating.

Posted by mwashburn at 05:47 PM | Comments (3)

January 31, 2005

Pregnancy Update

I have started the grueling search for daycare. The offerings around here range from fairly friendly and competent to Hieronymous Bosch-like landscapes of unhappy children, broken toys, and surly childcare workers. One center I visited featured staff members who were, at best, clueless, and, at worst, absolute beasts. One woman was yelling "NO!" at a nine-month-old who was repeatedly pushing a toy onto the floor. THAT'S WHAT NINE-MONTH-OLD BABIES DO. The only contact with children was for diaper changing. This was in the infant room, separated from the noisy, chaotic, toddler room by a knee-high gate. I don't think so.

But my strangest moment came when I was sitting and chatting with one daycare administrator and she answered a phone call. "Can I call you right back," she asked, "I'm with a parent." I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the concept of Self and Parent at the same time.

We also discovered a new pastime this weekend-- sitting and watching my stomach move. It has to be one of the strangest sensations on earth. I am also feeling a little bit guilty because I know several moms who took the time to read to their babies in utero. I haven't really done this yet; I do talk to her sometimes. But, while sitting in the bathtub Saturday evening, I was tempted to read articles from the Skeptical Inquirer to her. Would that be terribly wrong?

Posted by mwashburn at 09:33 AM | Comments (4)

January 12, 2005

Like Father Like Daughter...

This child seems to already be displaying her father's tendency to FIDGET. CEASELESSLY. I'm wondering if it's normal for a fetus to be kicking so much at 20 weeks. Maybe she just hates the office. Can't blame her.

Posted by mwashburn at 11:52 AM | Comments (1)

December 31, 2004

Minnie-Me

So, it's New Year's Eve. I have long, horrible tales of holiday travel to tell, but alas, I am too exhausted from said tales to relate them at this moment. In fact, I'll be lucky if I make it to midnight. We may have a visit from an out-of-town friend tomorrow, which would make it feel like a bit of a celebration, but in the meantime, we did at least enjoy some brie (screw you, soft-cheese for pregnant women naysayers, it's all pasteurized for christ's sake...) and sparkling cranberry cocktail.

The big thrill today was our first sonogram. Much to my amazement, we're having a girl! Below, you can see the little alien-baby, in profile. The big head-shaped thing is, well, her head, and you can see her little nose and mouth, and she has her chin tucked right into her chest, and the rest there to the left is her little curled up body and legs. It looks pretty crowded in there already; don't ask me what she's going to do for another 22 weeks...

So I wish you all a very Happy New Year, and hopefully both Decapitating Shadows and Ennui Central will be up to full publishing speed by Monday. Cheers!

Posted by mwashburn at 08:23 PM | Comments (3)

December 20, 2004

Then again...

Maybe I won't be posting those pictures of my swelling belly on the internet...

Today's New York Times

Apparently there are numerous documented crimes (the most recent one in Kansas, which this article details) of women murdering pregnant women, performing C-sections with such implements as keys, and then pretending the baby is her own.

Like I needed one more thing to worry about.

Posted by mwashburn at 09:47 AM | Comments (4)

December 14, 2004

Ok Ok Ok

After wearing my favorite pair of black stretch pants yesterday, and realizing that it was hard to button them, I finally pulled on a pair of real-life actual maternity pants today.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.....

Posted by mwashburn at 09:34 AM | Comments (5)

December 10, 2004

"The Glow"

If by "glowing", you mean experiencing acne worse than when I was 16, peeling skin on my extremities, bags under my eyes from chronic sinus swelling, and nausea from low blood sugar, then yes, I guess I am glowing.

Posted by mwashburn at 08:57 AM | Comments (3)

December 07, 2004

Another Milestone

I discovered today that I can no longer comfortably cross my legs.

Posted by mwashburn at 01:16 PM | Comments (7)

December 05, 2004

Don't Believe the TV

Now that I am pregnant, I am very acutely aware of the ways in which pregnancy and childbirth are misrepresented on television and in movies. I have started watching 'Lost' (thanks to DVR, though I haven't yet decided if I'll stick with it); this is the show about the group of people stranded on an island after a plane crash. I mostly started watching it because Harold Perrineau (Matrix Reloaded and Oz) is on it, as well as that Hobbit. Oh, and the Iraqui guy is really cute too. It's kind of a multi-cultural babefest. At any rate, one of the characters, Claire, a young Austrailian woman, is pregnant.

First of all, Claire just doesn't look pregnant. She's got perfect skin, a small ass, and believe me, if I can't just jump up and down at four months, I can assure you she wouldn't be doing so at nine months... Second, in a flashback scene they go back to when she was about three months, fighting with her boyfriend. She's HUGE. I'm four months right now, and nowhere near that large, and I am not even an anorexic actress.

The thing that really got my blood boiling, though, was when the doctor (played by that guy from Party of Five) freaked out about the fact that she might go into labor "early." By "early," he meant 39 weeks. And he said something along the lines of "if she goes into labor early, out here, with no instruments or anesthetic, well... that would just be bad." Ahem. Let the ever-so-knowledgeable Flygrrl elaborate... anything from 38 to 42 weeks is considered full term. Having a baby at 39 weeks is a blessing, not a crisis. And then, the idea that a healthy woman can't possibly deliver a baby without the aid of a doctor and his instruments is also ridiculous. If something goes wrong, then, yes, on a jungle-covered island you're kind of in a tight spot. But, millions of women give birth without anesthetic every day just fine. A lot of them do it without doctors or instruments. Newsflash, but it's what the female body is designed to do. A lot of research in recent years is showing that the trend towards more intervention in labor and birth has hurt women, not helped them, and the growing resurgence of midwives and doulas is really helping educate people and reverse that trend. Women were not designed to give birth flat on their backs strapped to an IV and fetal monitor.

It's just like the old image of a woman suddenly going in to labor and then giving birth in the taxicab on the way to the hospital... the average length of labor for a first time mama is 14 hours. Unless you're going from New York to DC by taxi, chances are you're going to make it to the hospital just fine.

OK, so this may all seem a bit pedantic and you're thinking "why do I care so much?" and maybe you don't, but now that I'm doing this myself, I realize that how mothers and pregnant women are portrayed in popular culture is as much a part of the problem of sexism and mysogyny in society as anything else. It's just not something I was aware of before. I'm not suddenly a cripple or an invalid. I'm not suddenly going to become a completely different person. Will I change? Absolutely, but I really think being a mother is going to give me more things to rage against than less. And that's a good thing.

Posted by mwashburn at 01:31 PM | Comments (10)